Work In Progress

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz   I would love to open up a dictionary some day (do we even print these things any more?) but ok so search online and never find, not even once, an instance of the use of 'should'. Should takes bites of your soul, your 'goodness'  and gorges on your wellbeing in a way that no other word I can think of will.    How often IN A DAY, does that inner voice ding the bell of should?   "I should go for a walk; I should eat better, I should stop being so lazy, I should call someone to go somewhere; I should make better choices. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp until you are a bit of Swiss cheese instead of a whole person. One of my therapists, (yes there is more than one), has provided me with a new word I am trying out--prefer.  I would prefer I had more energy to go for a walk right now; I would prefer to eat something better for my body, I would prefer to feel motivated to go somewhere etc. There is a

Now that we have seen that Ryan Reynolds is available for belly rubs, let's get to the real challenge at hand. For risk of posting an unpopular opnion, I miss plastic straws. Yes, yes, I have seen the video with the straws in the sea turtles' nose. HORRIFIC. And in theory I am 100% behind this move to paper straws but could we not have come up with something BETTER? The current iteration are just tiny paper towel tubes you suck on. Come on. We have cars that self-park, self-drive ----could we not have found something a little less "toilet roll tampon" flavored? In particular, I miss plastic straws in the movies. For me, I would bite the straw and drink it slowly though the compressed section. Somehow, it just seemed to make the drink last longer. Not having this totally ruined Dead Pool for me.....(kidding, nothing could ruin that one....) Using a paper straw means I am instantly transported to my dentist office where cotton tampon structures are stuffed

Imagine you have been an at amusement park all day, wandering the park, going on rides, eating and the park is closing and you are heading home.  Half way home you suddenly get this weird feeling and reach for your wallet.  It's not in your pocket, or your purse.  You pull over and it's not in the car.  You rack your brain to remember the last time you had it in your hand.  You remember setting it on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom. OMG, maybe you left it there.     Ok so that, that right there, that stomach flip feeling of dread, terror, guilt, self-deprecation, fear, your mind racing to how you will possibly replace all your ID, cancel your credit cards, THAT is the feeling I have been living with every morning when I wake up. It's a new experience.  The other two times I have been off work, trying to unspool my doom spirals, I was always able to get up in the morning.  It's possible, I got up those times because I had something to do.  I had kids that need

I have been browsing my writing. Just a few samples here and there. Noting the gaps--like the big one where I posted on the eve of 2020 not knowing a global pandemic would shut down the world and then didn't post again until just last week. Feels like that would have been a good time to write. During a pandemic.  Write about survival mode, collecting oldest and his gf from their rental to camp out in our basement bedroom for five months, the middle home as college was closed and R and I getting a week to figure out how to be online college instructors. There were days of washing groceries, yelling at my mom and step-dad to get their asses home from Florida before the boarder closed and scouring the internet for toilet paper and masks. It was exhausting and scary and bitterness flowed unhampered at every #qualitytimewiththekiddos" posting of crafts and puzzles and tiktok dances from those who found themselves at home, not working.  It was all hands on deck at our place wi

"It's normal.  Totally normal.  Like me, you are passionate about your job and Monday to Friday, working, has been the framework that's defined you.  And now it is gone, while you are off work, doing this other work, this really really important work, on you.  Weekends and weekdays don't hold the same meaning.  It can feel really scary...you feel out of control.  I use a big print calendar on my wall to help with that sense of floating around.  It helps, some." She looked at me skeptically.  "Yeah, well it makes me feel like I have become stupid. Sometimes I feel like everything is on pause and then fast forward....." "I feel that way too.  One of my therapists in big on mindfulness, and she has helped me understand how my biggest challenge is accepting how things are--right now, today---life on play so to speak.  I can't rewind and fix the past, I can't fast forward through all this hard stuff I need to go through to get well, an

In 1998 it was bi-polar type II. In 2012 it was Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. Now in 2024 it's bi-polar type III (which I didn't even know existed). Is this a cycle thing? A result of supressing the whole COVID thing? Left over hormonal menopause issue? How did I end up here again---off work---depressed and anxious, in the ER---weighing my options between swallowing a million pills or carving up my wrists in the tub. I don't want to be like this. Which turns into I don't want to be. It's a scary shit show and every place I seek help is throwing darts at a possible medicinal solution to get me back to my overperforming, perfectionist, self back on the stage at the front of a classroom. "You can't expect medicine to solve it all!" Yeah, I can hear you thinking that. I've been in therapy for six months now---as often as once a week and am currently juggling two therapists as I try something new. I used to know this stuff. I regu