Work In Progress

Brene Brown defines connection as   the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.  I am struggling with connection right now.   There are so many types of relationships...parent/child, friends, family, co-workers, lovers, partners, etc.  But we don't always connect - right?  Family for example.  You don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose whether you want to put out the effort to stay connected to them after you become an adult.  When I was younger, I didn't think much about family.  My aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents--they were always around. But as an adult, I spun off into my own nuclear unit and family, outside my own housefull faded into the background. I think it was because I didn't want to need people.  People, will disappoint you. Harden...

As human beings, we are hardwired for connection.  It is the common thread that connects everything I read these days regardless of the title, theme; whether it is on the bestseller list or notes I have taken while in the hospital programs.   Last summer I read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection and I wrote as I read.  It was a bit like shopping for new clothes.  I tried on her words.  What did they look like if I put them on?  Which ones fit me?    It was harder then.  I had felt like the hospital programs had helped me identify and discard many unhelpful patterns of though and behavior. The problem was, while I was working hard to let them go, I was struggling with who that left behind.  It was an identity void.  The things that had defined me, were also the things that had destroyed me, but they were also the things that had made me successful and carried me far in life.   I held up "need for connection" ...

Last summer, I wrote about my small world. The world of pink and purple morning sky, hot coffee and birdsong on my back deck.  Flowing dresses, birdsong, warm breezes caressing my skin; I was trying to find peace in this small world as the big world over my fence zoomed by in cars and busses carrying people to work---the one place that had contributed so highly to my breakdown.  Since then, I have applied myself to finding tools and people to help me feel settled in my own skin. To sit and do nothing and fall back into old habits would have been infinitely easier than to do the work.  It is the work of the soul; to find your way back to the you that has always been there.  I found Brene Brown, Inner Mean Girl Reform School, Mood and Anxiety Group at the hospital, my therapist, the Sisters Social, meditation, Eat, Share, Love group, my Sista Perfectionista...and all of it helped me take myself apart and put it back to...

If you build it, they will come.  This line, from the movie Field of Dreams seems appropriate today.  The building in this case, is me.  I have built a new me and out of the cornfield comes challenges from the universe.  Each one a gift; an opportunity to practice all I have learned; to celebrate all that I have become.      Yesterday I had a job interview.  A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly full of self-love and when my inbox pinged with a job posting of interest; working for a former colleague who I often used to call "my work wife";  I put my self-love into practice.  I applied.   The chance to work with her again; to have that warmth and energy in my life that comes from someone who really "sees you" and loves you just as you are; was a call from the universe.    Then I got a call for an interview.      My automatic response at this time (because yes, I...

This is my February.  Snowbanks created from excavating the pavement that is your driveway now tower above your head, threatening to avalanch down on you at the slightest noise.  It was like I was in a cave, all sound and wind muffled as I walked down the steps from my Sista Perfectionista's house to my van.  Walls of white on either side.  From the window she was going to be able to look down the street and wave if it was safe to pull out of her driveway onto the street.  That's nice. I figured it might help since her house was on a hill and I often had to whiplash my head around several times before pulling out to make sure no one was coming.  I guess I really did not comprehend what a necessity it would be until I actually tried to back out. A WALL of white to my right blocked all view.  Unbelievable.  When I realized I could be sitting there in the car instead of the van....

If I listen closely, I can hear the pieces sliding into place.  The universe is conspiring in my favor.   While I would love that to mean I have the right lotto numbers, (yes some days I still think money would solve a lot of my problems), instead, the universe has decided that I am strong enough to look to my heart and soul work and face the seed "receive".    I knew it would be a tricky one for me, but as I reflect on the five soul seeds of 2014, (brave, feel, trust, flow, receive) I now believe that it is at the core of the others.  It is Better to Give than Receive From the Bible , Acts 20:35 ( King James Version ): I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus , how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive. I did not grow up in a religious home.  We didn't go to church, even on holidays.  I was baptized though, to a...

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.   Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west.  Got it?  Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles. He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces: It's a new year folks!  New year.....new YOU!  How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELF SABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/ UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....   RIGHT NOW!!! AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't ar...