Snowed in Reflection

This is my February.  Snowbanks created from excavating the pavement that is your driveway now tower above your head, threatening to avalanch down on you at the slightest noise.  It was like I was in a cave, all sound and wind muffled as I walked down the steps from my Sista Perfectionista's house to my van.  Walls of white on either side.  From the window she was going to be able to look down the street and wave if it was safe to pull out of her driveway onto the street. 

That's nice. I figured it might help since her house was on a hill and I often had to whiplash my head around several times before pulling out to make sure no one was coming.  I guess I really did not comprehend what a necessity it would be until I actually tried to back out.

A WALL of white to my right blocked all view.  Unbelievable.  When I realized I could be sitting there in the car instead of the van...virtually 20 inches from the ground instead of the perch a van seat allows, I shook my head. 

My eyes whipped to her front window...to be met with a glare of the sun.  CRAP. I eased the back end of the van out, hoping that the size would cause people to slow down or stop.  In a town full of trucks, my van might has well have been a Fiat.   My eyes continued to try to pierce the window so I could see my signal to go.  Finally, I could see a face, and arm!  AWESOME! Except it was my Sista's 3 year old daughter.

Maybe it is just me, but I lack confidence in an enthusiastic three year old as an accurate gage of traffic flow.

I pictured my Sista in there saying..."No! What is she doing?  Not NOW.  Don't go NOW!" As her daughter waved good bye enthusiastically below her.

I finally decided after three cars went by in a row that the town was not big enough to have a huge traffic flow of four cars in a row, so I backed out.  Poor logic?  Maybe, but it worked.

February continues to embrace the snow which reflects where I am right now.  Loads of good things buried deep under a blanket of infinite possibilities.  My sacred ground lies underneath, and I have time to reflect on how I plan to nurture my soul and spirit from its still hidden rich undiscovered country.

I am listening to The Gifts of Imperfection on audiobook.  I slogged through the wee tome over the

summer over several weeks, each though requiring days if not weeks to sink into a place of understanding.  It felt a bit like trying to purposefully walk through a quicksand-like mud pit wearing rain boots.  Each step required incredible strength just to lift your boot; the giant sucking sound it made; how you had to hang on for dear life to the boot, so you would not loose it and to be able to continue to the next step; like a stopwatch was running and you had to get to the end...NOW!

I have never listened to an audiobook.  Part of me now understands why--this voice--while articulate, is NOT Brene Brown's and once you hear her, anything else sounds like recitation and not hard earned, soul tested, spirit centred truths.  However, I am surprised by how much I actually did take in, and how much more I understand what she is trying to say.  Most surprising is that I now accept that there is no quick fix....only hard work....that one I was angry to discover the first go around.  I got that the work was hard.  I was ready for that. I just wanted to know there was an END to it and I would be FIXED. 

But this February, with the snow falling still, still in the grip of potential, I am happily warm under the snow.  Yoga, Zumba, meditation, therapy, Sista visits, homework and snuggles...putting out feelers.  It is an exciting time. 

I have conquered my fear of the dentist to accomplish the root canal I was supposed to get 37 years ago.  The worst one--the one he did not expect to save--he did.  I took my relaxation CD I use when I do Reiki and I relaxed my way through it.  And hours after....no pain.  (I think I love my dentist....) I have to go back for one more--the easy one--and now that seems like not problem.  I am growing and learning. 

Don't get me wrong.  I was freaked out before going--hence the 37 year delay.  But it almost felt forced?  I felt like I should be stressed and anxious and sending panicked e-mails and texts for reassurances I would be ok.  So I did.  But really, when I got there, after asking him a few questions, I was fine.  Weird.  LOL! 

I have signed up for a one day meditation retreat at a Buddhist temple nearby.  This is new.  I would normally NOT put myself in a position to go somewhere I have never been before for fear of looking stupid at not knowing where to go or what to do.  I was assured by people in my Eat, Share, Love cooking group that it was a welcoming place.  This still befuddles me----a whole new concept to wrap my head around----that I could be welcomed and accepted somewhere for no other reason that I showed up.  I don't have to earn a spot.  I don't have to perform. I don't have to hustle for my worthiness.  I will just be and accept and learn and bathe in receiving.  I will get there.  This is one step in the journey.  Satisfies BRAVE and RECEIVE and FLOW and FEEL and TRUST!   My Sista Perfectionista will make the journey with me.  I feel blessed to share this with her.

My oldest called me about a week ago to ask (oh he is so sweet) if he could, instead of coming home for the entire reading week, take part in a student organized trip to Montreal for 4 days.  I thanked him for thinking to ask but told him of course he should go.  It is incredibly rewarding for me to see my locked-in-his-bedroom-absolutely-no-social-life-or-Facebook-or-friends-over-home-every-weekend-not-driving 18 year old take part in a normal, social activity with his roommates, friends and yikes...even a girlfriend.

Yes, he has a girlfriend. The first ever and it is serious.  That we could talk about love and all that comes with a serious relationship made my heart shine.  He is my baby always, but has grown into a wonderful young man with a good heart and who remains thoughtful and kind and hardworking and open to all the good things that come with being 18. 

Sure it is not all good.  Or has the potential to go bad or whatever, but it is much easier to step off the out of control/no breaks, speeding mind rocket train of "what if..."   I feel a bit like I should worry, just because I always have.  And by worry I don't mean have rational concern---but random ninja attacks of debilitating panic....can't breathe or see....blood running cold.  

Instead, it is more of a street trolley of concern....you can hop on and off.  Reach out to connect,

feel better and carry on KNOWING I have a great kid who will do his best and my inability to control what happens is part of life and growing up and letting go.  

I am practicing this with my youngest too.  I don't know why I have been doing this but I hover in the kitchen, long after I have finished dinner, while he still nibbles away.  I clean and wipe and scrub and wait for him to finish so he can make his lunch and get to homework.  For some reason, I have felt like I have to sit with him--supervise--instruct--and waiting for him to start makes me irritated. Then I am irritated when he makes lunch and I then provide criticism instead of support. I feel like if I don't watch, he will try to sneak by with the minimum and I want him to have choices later in life...which the minimum might not provide.

So I have been helicoptering over everything; especially when the report card came home with notes about being unorganized and him confessing he lost his science notebook (loose papers spilling out from his backpack---causing me to blame myself: How could I let this happen? How did I not notice? What kind of mother must the teacher think I am? ) 

The last two nights I decided to step back.  I set some firm rules about what must be done before playtime.  I ensured he had a good lunch plan in mind.  I made a deal about how much broccoli/spinach/kale salad had to be eaten before he could be "full".  And then...I left him to it.  

I had to force myself to sit on the couch.  So so tempting to get up and check on him.  I asked if he needed help several times.  He didn't.  He finished making his lunch quickly.  His homework required one bit of help and a reminder to print neatly.  When he was done it all he played.  And again, I sat on the couch.  I actually had nothing to do and with that, went to bed at 9:00PM!   

Time, the thing we often complain that there is not enough of, I suspect is often occupied with my

chattering business of what everyone else needs to do. At nine, he is old enough to do a lot. I need to step back and let it happen.  It is unreal to me how much of my evening I got back and actually had nothing to do with all this usually invisible "time".

So this is my February.  It is full of snow and winter and cold and rain and blah.  But it is also full of energy and exercise and finding new ways to move my body.  It is full of growth and appreciation and snuggles and letting go with love.  

I am blessed with wonderful people in my life and amazing opportunities to continue to grow and develop in my soul work.  I have Reiki in my life.  I have friendship.  I have sons.  I have future opportunities yet unrealized and potential for anything and everything to be within my reach.  

It is, as always, a Work in Progress....