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Showing posts from October, 2015

It's a Brutiful Life...

I recently acknowledged my one year "back-to-work-iversary" after two years off after a deep dive into depression and anxiety--hospital stays--support groups, medication and therapy.  To borrow a word from Glennon Doyle Melton, it is Brutiful.  
It is Beautiful.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling forward into blinding fear and self-love --where everyone is doing the best that they can---really.  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism no more.
Brutal.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling backward into blinding fear and self-doubt -- where everyone is doing the best that they can? ---really?  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism! No more....
It is the flip side of the same coin and each day is a new toss.
I have been favoured with more Beautiful than Brutal.  
Life is BrutifulBut...
Brutal stalks my peripheral, winking, as I cast a furtive glance over my shoulder, my feet pounding the ground of what feels more and more like a treadmill to nowhere.  

And So it Goes.....

Today I acknowledge that I feel like lying in bed and closing my eyes.
It feels like a good idea.
It's quiet behind my eyes.
There is nothing going on there.
I like the sound of that.

Today I recognize that I would like to eat all day.
Preferably one after the other.

Today I accept that Youngest may be on his device WAY more than normal.
My mind is busy sleeping and eating cookies and I can't hold his blurrrrr of video game chatter in my head.

Today I can't hold much of anything.
Today is too much to hold.

I have these sorts of days every now and again, though they seem to come more often lately.  Maybe it is the weather; the twinkle star night velvet sky dominates the sky for too long each day.  Wind. Cold.

My shoulders whisper their concern to my ears . My tongue worries my teeth and every hang nail has been harried bloody.  

The ache of day long gardening lingers in my joints, my muscles---except there was no gardening.

Bursts of ne…