Work In Progress

My tiny home feels hollow today.   Devoid of the warmly lit tree so recently in residence, the flat chocolate milk corner is invisible.  Barren of garland and stockings, the timer of the washing machine echoes up the stairwell.  Things are in their place; rooms remarkable due only to the absence of color--- beige and brown and black and Grey ---inside and out. Children are driven back to their alternate homes---school---with their mother.  The stairs are silent.  My heart feels hollow today.  This is when you have to be very careful.  Spring waits to be born, while the Grey winter growls and shrieks and demonstrates its power; promising frigid temperatures, more snow and freezing rain on the heels of so much ice storm devastation. Caution.  On a day such as this, governed by the Grey; muted by snow; the temptation to allow it to blanket your mind with so much numbness is a reality not to be trifled with.  Thi...

Elbow deep in my bag on my arm, my fingers walked  quickly  over the contents, quickly identifying and then rejecting each item in a blind attempt to locate my wallet. The last few items beeped through the scanner as drops of sweat formed and slowly rolled down the back of my shirt.   The cashier shifted from one foot to the other, letting out an audible sigh. She shared a knowing smirk with the growing line behind me.   "It's in here somewhere".  My purse puddled on the counter in front of me, I continued to dig, feeling a flash of warmth ricochet around my body.  My hand returned over and over to my sister's wallet that I was carrying for her as she scanned the birthday cards for an appropriate selection.   "Let me grab my sister."   As I bolted from the cashier line, I saw her heading my way and waved her forward.  The line collectively shook there heads.   I quickly fi...

Today is a blue sky day--in so many ways. The obvious---the sky is blue.  But to be a blue sky day there has to be an absence of clouds.  So no matter where you turn when you are sitting---you can't see a single cloud.  That is the sky today. It is a blue sky day because the entire five of us plus one dog who has separation anxiety if I leave her at home, will be going on a road trip.  And I love a nice car ride. Tim's in hand.  I am not driving. Blue sky.... It is a blue sky day because I am taking butter tarts to the Spouse's father.  Who is 84 and not all that well---but who mumbles funny stories, teases my boys about girlfriends and who LOVES my butter tarts. It makes me feel blue sky inside. It is a blue sky day because we are meeting a bunch of the Spouse's family--and while that is normally completely overwhelming to me---I am aware that will trigger my anxiety and my "fake me" mask and so I will try to sit--and be quiet with who I am--and n...

Yesterday I went to see "She Who Does Magic with my Hair".   She has been on maternity leave and has just gotten herself set up in her house to handle clients a few days a week.  Last I saw her in January, she was round with her son and she actually came to my house to do my hair.....heavy bags and 4 year old daughter in tow.  She had left the salon she was at and was just doing a few select clients before the baby came.  Yeah for me!   Nine years ago, E was standing in the window of a hair salon in the mall; her hot pink chunky streaks looked amazing and convinced me that if she could pull off that---she could certainly handle a few highlights in my hair.  I think she was 17 at the time?   She has seen me through one pregnancy and I have seen her through two.   We've talked about our partners, our kids, our moms (her mom and I are actually the same age--yeah that made me feel old) and our families....

" The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. " ― Princess Leia to Grand Moff Tarkin [src]    This is how I feel about what I am reading lately.  Almost, almost, almost.....damn....gone!   Breaking it down is might help.  Love.   Is it possible to love others more than ourselves?  Absolutely.      Last night snuggled up in bed, I said, "I love you always and forever."    He wiggled a little in my arms.  "But mom....... what if I did something really, really bad?  Would you still love me?" (Parents of a teenage girl were just convicted of her brutal beating that led to her death--he must be listening to conversations when he is in bed...)   "Absolutely.  I will always love you."   Yet when we make the smallest omission--misplace our keys, forget milk, miss a deadline--we call ourselves stupid, idiot, incapable--instead...

One of the things I have been working on is being more present. More in the moment. More mindful.   I am acutely aware of the way the warm breeze caresses my arms, my face.  Coffee tastes exquisite.  My son's hands are softness, his head gently resting on my shoulder while we read together spreads a warm contentment throughout my body.  The wonder of complex birdsong.  The feel of my own body---grown larger--- but now relaxed in new, larger fitting clothes---acceptance.  I am aware of more subtle things as well.    I am trying to be open to the message the universe has for me.  At a time where I feel lost, and confused about what a am "supposed to do" I have put the question out there...."universe...what do I need?"  And in response, I feel like I can see in front of me, a hand extended.  Just take my hand.  It will be ok.  Trust. Faith. Love. Acceptance.    I am not a religious person...

This is not an easy journey.  I continue to struggle with accepting that there is no destination.  No "fixedness"--no check list--no final exam--no finish line---yadda yadda yadda--you get the point. In "the Gift of Imperfection", Brene Brown describes it as "..like walking toward a star in the sky.  We never really arrive, but we certainly know that we're heading in the right direction." I do see some light.  I do feel like I am heading in the right direction.  I just have to see it as the journey of my life --and not "The Breakdown of 2012-2013".  "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown is the next step on my journey.  What makes her work so relevant is not the fact that she is a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social work but that she suffered her own "unraveling"-- a "time when  you f...

My oldest son walked into the kitchen last night while I was drying the pot I had just used to make marshmallow squares.  He leaned against the wall, eyes downcast, unfocused and spoke in a soft voice: "Mom.  Tomorrow.  Just so you know.  Something has happened and I cannot remember a SINGLE thing about ANY of the stuff that will be on the exam.  So.  Just so you aren't expecting anything.  I am going to fail the exam.  Probably need summer school.  Will have to quit my job.  Will get my university offer rescinded. But it is probably too late for summer school so.  It is just all over." I put down the pot and gave him a hug.  (no hug back) I told him it was fine. He was fine. He remembered stuff--he had an 87 going into the exam! You can't have marks like that if you don't remember stuff?! Right? I could see the tears forming in his eyes.  He still wouldn't look at me. "Ok.  Get your jacket we ar...

Last night I drove my 8 year old son to his baseball practice.  He has been selected to play as part of the All Star team and they have a weekend long tournament and this will be their only practice as a team before they face other All Star teams made up from his house league circle.   We just pulled out of the driveway and he asked me if I had the $30 required for the new jersey and hat.  I assured him I did.  Then he asked if I knew where the practice diamond was. I assured him I would find it and it wasn't too far away "Thanks mom, I really appreciate you doing this." "What?" I choked. He is 8. "I really appreciate you doing this." I felt like the sun being thanked for coming up each day. 'Um, hey, like, no problem, I am just hanging out here every day doing my job, no real choice in the matter....but um, like, you're welcome?' And then, since I have been working on trying to just be---to allow thoughts to come an...

Last night I set an intention to read chapter 1 of "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher K. Germer.  My therapist loaned me her copy months ago and in my struggle to be able to retain or comprehend anything I was reading, I had abandon the book like so many others.  I did try to work through it once before but found the first chapter baffling as it seemed full of contradictions...but promised it would all make sense as the book went on.  So I will be patient.   I will read slowly and take notes (I am at the point where I know things when I talk about them or hear them but the concepts absolutely refuse to remain in my short term memory for review, reflection and eventual evaluation.)   There were a few nuggets that kept me interested--- even prompted me to borrow my son's pencil while he did homework beside me and jot it down on a bit of paper.   "The only answer to our problems is to first have our problems, fully and ...