Helping Yourself

One of the things I have been working on is being more present. More in the moment. More mindful.

I am acutely aware of the way the warm breeze caresses my arms, my face. Coffee tastes exquisite. My son's hands are softness, his head gently resting on my shoulder while we read together spreads a warm contentment throughout my body. The wonder of complex birdsong. The feel of my own body---grown larger--- but now relaxed in new, larger fitting clothes---acceptance. I am aware of more subtle things as well.

I am trying to be open to the message the universe has for me. At a time where I feel lost, and confused about what a am "supposed to do" I have put the question out there...."universe...what do I need?" And in response, I feel like I can see in front of me, a hand extended. Just take my hand. It will be ok. Trust. Faith. Love. Acceptance.

I am not a religious person (though I think religion is fascinating and would love to go back to school to study it)--in that I don't go to church (though I love churches)..but I do believe in the cosmos--the universe--the energy that holds us all together and makes us at our core...the same part of one big community.

The reality though is...I think the extended hand is mine. I think another me sits smiling and content and wants me to join her. To take her hand and it will be ok. Not easy, not perfect, not horrid--just what is it supposed to be. I know the answers. They are there. I will find them.

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Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

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Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west.

Got it?

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people. Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!! Actually, I KNO…

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Lesson's From Frozen and Taylor Swift

"Let it go....let it go...." and "Shake it off...shake it off."
I alternate between these two borrowed mantra for this time--- when the world seems too loud and bright. Even my clothes touching my skin is too much. I yank off my sweater, and hop step out of my pants while walking upstairs to my room after work, finally able to breath once the edges of sleeves, cowls of turtlenecks and waistbands of tights no longer feel like burning, scratching sun burn.
My skin feels too tight as I try to keep myself together in this package that is required to carry out my daily tasks.
"This is not my circus. These are not my monkeys."
"Your lack of planning is not my emergency."
It is far too easy to get caught up in the drama of things that are so divisive---as you try to separate yourself by thinking it is not your problem or it is not my fault or I am better than this or I don't need anyone - when we should be connecting to each other in a supportive …

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Work In Progress

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