Helping Yourself

One of the things I have been working on is being more present. More in the moment. More mindful.

I am acutely aware of the way the warm breeze caresses my arms, my face. Coffee tastes exquisite. My son's hands are softness, his head gently resting on my shoulder while we read together spreads a warm contentment throughout my body. The wonder of complex birdsong. The feel of my own body---grown larger--- but now relaxed in new, larger fitting clothes---acceptance. I am aware of more subtle things as well.

I am trying to be open to the message the universe has for me. At a time where I feel lost, and confused about what a am "supposed to do" I have put the question out there...."universe...what do I need?" And in response, I feel like I can see in front of me, a hand extended. Just take my hand. It will be ok. Trust. Faith. Love. Acceptance.

I am not a religious person (though I think religion is fascinating and would love to go back to school to study it)--in that I don't go to church (though I love churches)..but I do believe in the cosmos--the universe--the energy that holds us all together and makes us at our core...the same part of one big community.

The reality though is...I think the extended hand is mine. I think another me sits smiling and content and wants me to join her. To take her hand and it will be ok. Not easy, not perfect, not horrid--just what is it supposed to be. I know the answers. They are there. I will find them.

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Keeping Afloat in Darkness - When Robin Williams is Gone

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds. Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing. The boat is gone. You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything. When the darkness squeezes it is all about now. And now is nothing. It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...

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Being Enough

I am grateful that the chapters in The Gifts of Imperfection are short. Each one overflows with concepts that ask you to reach down to your very core and dig around a bit with a sharp object. Sometimes you have to pull back and take a break. Like at the dentist...when you have to put your hand up...they let you close your mouth for a minute....you stretch your jaw....rinse maybe. "You ok to continue?" You lie back, take a breath, try to get comfortable, open up, look at the outline of the hand holding the drill backlit by that horrible light...and nod. Not to say it is all bad. But this chapter on Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough made me uncomfortable in my skin. I squinted a lot. Really, really trying to get at what she was saying without having to feel what she is saying....which is not the purpose. So I had to read the chapter a few times. Then I fiddled around on Facebook and Outlook to avoid sta...

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Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones. The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet. I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection. Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick It is hard work. And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball. CATCH THIS ONE! Oooooooof! I am down. Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concept...

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Work In Progress

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