Work In Progress

Everywhere you look--on posters and bumper stickers, blogs and bookshelves... practically shouting at us, is the call to arms  to "FIND YOUR PURPOSE".  (Which without your glasses on could be mistaken for find your PORPOISE which got my 11 year old excited). Frankly, I think he had it right.   Finding a porpoise is a hell of a lot easier (and more exciting) than finding your purpose.  If I open a book or check on the "Interweb", I can actually be told where I can locate a porpoise and go see it. DONE. (Vancouver acquarium has two named Jack and Daisy.  Here is their schedule. Go nuts.) Every book on finding your PURPOSE? One disappointment after another. Fair enough, most of them tell you straight out that your answer will not be found among their pages, which then makes me think: "Ok so your purpose is to publish books and drive people crazy.  Good job assh*le.  You accomplished your purpose." But once in awhile, ...

I recently acknowledged my one year "back-to-work-iversary" after two years off after a deep dive into depression and anxiety--hospital stays--support groups, medication and therapy.  To borrow a word from Glennon Doyle Melton, it is Brutiful.   It is Beautiful.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling forward into blinding fear and self-love --where everyone is doing the best that they can---really.  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism no more. Brutal.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling backward into blinding fear and self-doubt -- where everyone is doing the best that they can? ---really?  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism! No more.... It is the flip side of the same coin and each day is a new toss. I have been favoured with more Beautiful than Brutal.   Life is Brutiful But... Brutal stalks my peripheral, winking, as I cast a furtive glance over my shoulder, my feet pounding the ground...

Once upon a time I thought I was alone in this.  When I had my first crisis let's call it....I lived in a small town in Northern British Columbia.  I had access to a therapist and a psychiatrist so I was lucky in that way.  However, I did not get to experience the power of working in a group setting, sharing with others to discover I was not the only one struggling with anxiety, depression etc.   This time around, fragile me was placed in a hospital environment and just allowed to see that there was a me underneath of  "job me", "mom me", "house cleaner me", "homework checker me", etc.  I was pretty small while the other identities were all sharp corners -- bold and brassy and larger than life.  So then tiny amorphous me went to group sessions and met others.  We talked about what we were going through, how we felt helpless, lonely and out of control to stop it all. It was a safe community at the hospital --- and my world of ...

Morning! Well actually I guess it is after noon so good afternoon... I want to carry on with the theme from yesterday a bit where I was trying to spend my day moment by moment --living in the now.  I came across this great quote written on Glennon Doyle Melton's Facebook page  which I found through reading another awesome blog I want to talk about tomorrow(you can find Glennon's blog here and I invite you to go exploring!)  "When we live in a picture of what should be, instead of what is, we add a layer of guilt on top of what is already very difficult.  And that makes it almost impossible.  It's extremely counter cultural to admit that life is not perfect.  I think that people are desperate to admit together that life is messy, and that marriage is hard, and that parenting is excruciating sometimes.  And that doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong.  It's hard because it is supposed to be". I should have this on a t-s...