Work In Progress

I am grateful that the chapters in The Gifts of Imperfection are short.  Each one overflows with concepts that ask you to reach down to your very core and dig around a bit with a sharp object.  Sometimes you have to pull back and take a break.  Like at the dentist...when you have to put your hand up...they let you close your mouth for a minute....you stretch your jaw....rinse maybe.  "You ok to continue?" You lie back, take a breath, try to get comfortable, open up, look at the outline of the hand holding the drill backlit by that horrible light...and nod. Not to say it is all bad.  But this chapter on Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough made me uncomfortable in my skin.  I squinted a lot.  Really, really trying to get at what she was saying without having to feel what she is saying....which is not the purpose.  So I had to read the chapter a few times.  Then I fiddled around on Facebook and Outlook to avoid sta...

One of the first things I think I have to do is acknowledge that bad things do happen.  Just look at the news any day.  But by tempering any joy with a sense of foreboding doom you can't experience the true "Ka-POW" of ANY joy.  Whether it is a matter of I don't think I deserve to be happy (something I struggle with now while being off work ---and getting waves of feeling like why can't I just suck it up and get back at it) or I believe that being joyful is tempting fate to dump a truck load of misery on my doorstep--I am not sure.  Probably a bit of both working there.  So assuage foreboding joy--I guess I have to slowly, cautiously invite Joy in--while employing lots of positive self talk. I remember on my first day of the adult day treatment program, the recreation therapist rolled a cart full of pains and paintbrushes, sticker, markers, pots, boxes and other craft supplies into the room.  She explained ...

One of the things I found very stressful during the 8 week adult day treatment program I attended each day after leaving the hospital, was being left at the edge of a cliff when the clock announced each class was over.  Sometimes the discussion was animated or the material too vast to cover in the time assigned but I always wanted to know what I was supposed to DO about my anger issues/panic attacks/perfectionism/low self-esteem (most of which I didn't even recognize as part of my life until I attended the program ).  The worst day was when the doctor   talked about  panic attacks --what one is, what chemicals are being released in your body, what one feels like (for people like me who have them)---and then saying...."Oops we are out of time, so next week when we meet we will discuss what to DO when you feel a panic attack coming."  What?!  Really?!! Not quite as bad as being le...

  I am probably pretty late to the party on this one but recently, through my therapist, I have been introduced to the writings and talks of  Brené Brown ,  Ph.D. and Licensed Master Social Worker.  She is currently a research professor at the University of Houston,  Graduate College of Social Work  and has spent the last ten years researching and sharing her findings surrounding vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.    When I mentioned Brown to a friend of mine yesterday, and how I thought I might really benefit from reading her work, she exclaimed, " I KNOW! I just picked up two of her books from the library!" To which I responded--"SERIOUSLY??? I just ordered two of her books from Chapters!!!!"  ( Yes we talk like this sometimes.  I believe everyone should have one friend that you can get incredibly animated with, regardless of whether you are exci...

Yesterday I referenced another great blog and I have been very excited to spend some time reflecting on what I read.  It is from " The Actual Pastor " ..whose post I found through my sister-in-law's, friend's Facebook page post....go figure.  He talks about how when as a child he was ridiculed and teased at school and how he began to mask his vulnerability to being hurt  ( blog post April 29, 2013)  After all, didn't we all get told: "Don't let people see that they have gotten to you!"; "Just laugh it off"; "Suck it up buttercup!" "... you are not sure who to be anymore, or what to do. We just know we never want to be rejected like that again. So we create masks that protect our actual and vulnerable selves, projecting an image that seems more sturdy and less susceptible to trauma.....The problem is that the longer we wear these masks, the more fused to our actual selves they become, and it becomes harder and harder to se...