Work In Progress

In a short battle, grey clouds tangle with blue sky, a patchwork heavens, splotches of sun illuminating the trees growing, until the sun shines brighter in victory.        Resiliency--the ability to overcome adversity -- starts with hope.   When I walked off my job teaching on a Friday in September I had no back up plan.  I felt hopeless and powerless of affect any changed in my life.  Through some good counseling, reading tons, a gratitude journal and medication therapy I was able to cultivate hope again in my life.  I decided I wanted to go back to school...to pursue a Masters Degree in Library Science.  My first job as a teacher was in a library and I had loved the nature of the work...teaching people to find information, to help them develop life long learning skills.  It was noble detective work and very rewarding.   So I had a goal.  I app...

The subtitle for this chapter is Letting Go of Perfection.  I have blogged about my challenges with perfection....my perfectionista persona and my glaring lack of self-compassion.  I can excuse others for many things, but in therapy I used words like failure, incompetent, stupid and weak like a whack a mole hammer to beat myself down.  My therapist was always commenting that I was incredibly hard on myself.  I am not sure I ever agreed with her.  Brené Brown writes that our attempts to be perfect are our attempts to avoid shame, blame and judgement from others. The problem is, the more we strive to be this unattainable perfect the more we have to keep it up--to do better--to avoid letting people see our true, flawed, vulnerable selves. She says perfectionists are looking for approval and acceptance, not from themselves, but from others.  This is self-destructive because you cannot control the perceptions of others.  Continuall...

 Jake at Toronto Zoo 4 years ago? It is officially a heat wave – day four-- and I am ignoring Brené Brown.   Cicada song pierces the evening air.   It is finally tolerable outside. Still, my skirt clings to my legs, my forehead damp with perspiration within minutes of coming to sit on the deck.   Jake and Noah are playing ---Jake pitching, Noah catching. The weather perfectly captures how I am feeling mid chapter.   Stuck.   Sticky. Heavy.   Lazy. The chapter is entitled “The Things That Get in the Way”…and I think that I am one of those things.   It’s time to face shame—worthiness--and get a grip on them.  I. Am. Getting. Closer. When shame came up in therapy, I didn’t understand why.   My therapist kept pushing: “So wait. You don’t have people over to your house. Why would you deny them the pleasure of your company?   You are a smart woman with lots to share with people.” “Well…it’s my house…it’s just…. it is smal...

" The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. " ― Princess Leia to Grand Moff Tarkin [src]    This is how I feel about what I am reading lately.  Almost, almost, almost.....damn....gone!   Breaking it down is might help.  Love.   Is it possible to love others more than ourselves?  Absolutely.      Last night snuggled up in bed, I said, "I love you always and forever."    He wiggled a little in my arms.  "But mom....... what if I did something really, really bad?  Would you still love me?" (Parents of a teenage girl were just convicted of her brutal beating that led to her death--he must be listening to conversations when he is in bed...)   "Absolutely.  I will always love you."   Yet when we make the smallest omission--misplace our keys, forget milk, miss a deadline--we call ourselves stupid, idiot, incapable--instead...

I am grateful that the chapters in The Gifts of Imperfection are short.  Each one overflows with concepts that ask you to reach down to your very core and dig around a bit with a sharp object.  Sometimes you have to pull back and take a break.  Like at the dentist...when you have to put your hand up...they let you close your mouth for a minute....you stretch your jaw....rinse maybe.  "You ok to continue?" You lie back, take a breath, try to get comfortable, open up, look at the outline of the hand holding the drill backlit by that horrible light...and nod. Not to say it is all bad.  But this chapter on Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough made me uncomfortable in my skin.  I squinted a lot.  Really, really trying to get at what she was saying without having to feel what she is saying....which is not the purpose.  So I had to read the chapter a few times.  Then I fiddled around on Facebook and Outlook to avoid sta...

Reflecting on the 3Cs, I think I get the message finally that my therapist and doctors have been trying to convey.  Courage---I have to be courageous in this work.  Be brave and sit quietly with uncomfortable feelings --like panic---like anxiety---like anger---like inadequacy.  Have courage I will be ok --and in my courage---and experience with each one, I gain courage that I can handle these thoughts and subsequent emotions when they happen.   I will be courageous.         Compassion---I need to be compassionate with myself.  There is one particular woman who was in the hospital and then aftercare with me--a girl really---only just 19 years old---and when I hear her struggles or see her I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go.  I cannot explain the connection....other than she reminds me of a female version of my oldest son. I just want to protect her and tell her how beautiful she is, how smart...