Work In Progress

In a short battle, grey clouds tangle with blue sky, a patchwork heavens, splotches of sun illuminating the trees growing, until the sun shines brighter in victory.        Resiliency--the ability to overcome adversity -- starts with hope.   When I walked off my job teaching on a Friday in September I had no back up plan.  I felt hopeless and powerless of affect any changed in my life.  Through some good counseling, reading tons, a gratitude journal and medication therapy I was able to cultivate hope again in my life.  I decided I wanted to go back to school...to pursue a Masters Degree in Library Science.  My first job as a teacher was in a library and I had loved the nature of the work...teaching people to find information, to help them develop life long learning skills.  It was noble detective work and very rewarding.   So I had a goal.  I app...

Yesterday I went to see "She Who Does Magic with my Hair".   She has been on maternity leave and has just gotten herself set up in her house to handle clients a few days a week.  Last I saw her in January, she was round with her son and she actually came to my house to do my hair.....heavy bags and 4 year old daughter in tow.  She had left the salon she was at and was just doing a few select clients before the baby came.  Yeah for me!   Nine years ago, E was standing in the window of a hair salon in the mall; her hot pink chunky streaks looked amazing and convinced me that if she could pull off that---she could certainly handle a few highlights in my hair.  I think she was 17 at the time?   She has seen me through one pregnancy and I have seen her through two.   We've talked about our partners, our kids, our moms (her mom and I are actually the same age--yeah that made me feel old) and our families....

One of the things I have been working on is being more present. More in the moment. More mindful.   I am acutely aware of the way the warm breeze caresses my arms, my face.  Coffee tastes exquisite.  My son's hands are softness, his head gently resting on my shoulder while we read together spreads a warm contentment throughout my body.  The wonder of complex birdsong.  The feel of my own body---grown larger--- but now relaxed in new, larger fitting clothes---acceptance.  I am aware of more subtle things as well.    I am trying to be open to the message the universe has for me.  At a time where I feel lost, and confused about what a am "supposed to do" I have put the question out there...."universe...what do I need?"  And in response, I feel like I can see in front of me, a hand extended.  Just take my hand.  It will be ok.  Trust. Faith. Love. Acceptance.    I am not a religious person...

My oldest son walked into the kitchen last night while I was drying the pot I had just used to make marshmallow squares.  He leaned against the wall, eyes downcast, unfocused and spoke in a soft voice: "Mom.  Tomorrow.  Just so you know.  Something has happened and I cannot remember a SINGLE thing about ANY of the stuff that will be on the exam.  So.  Just so you aren't expecting anything.  I am going to fail the exam.  Probably need summer school.  Will have to quit my job.  Will get my university offer rescinded. But it is probably too late for summer school so.  It is just all over." I put down the pot and gave him a hug.  (no hug back) I told him it was fine. He was fine. He remembered stuff--he had an 87 going into the exam! You can't have marks like that if you don't remember stuff?! Right? I could see the tears forming in his eyes.  He still wouldn't look at me. "Ok.  Get your jacket we ar...

Part of what sent me to the hospital back in November was this intense nerve pain that radiated from the back of my thighs, up my buttocks and lower back.  Sometimes it moved to my shoulders and back of my arms depending on how I sat and what part of me was touching any kind of surface.  When I had to describe it to anyone all I could liken it to was shingles, because I have had that.  And for those who haven't---just imaging you have gotten one of the worst sun burns of your life---and someone is rubbing your skin from the inside with sand paper.  Sitting is excruciating and as the day goes on, impossible.  You clench your teeth until your jaw aches, and the pain consumes every thought so that you are irritable and impatient with everyone.  Tasks seem overwhelming and impossible and you inability to do normal things like look after your kids, fold laundry and drive the car (because you can't sit for more than a few moments) start a tidal wave of ...