Work In Progress

I am struggling today. I don't even know how to write about it and it really is quite simple.  Maybe that is the best way. Keep it simple. Last night I took Youngest at a hockey game.  I don't particularly like hockey and faced with watching the testosterone battle on the ice, or listening to the testosterone driven conversations about salary and successes by the dads around me, I chose to turn my attention to watching Youngest.   He wears his emotions for everyone to see.  So I observed.... ...the good things:   had popcorn and a drink laser show got high fives by players coming out of the tunnel (big smile!) and the not good things: did not get a t-shirt tossed into crowd did not get a water bottle tossed into crowd almost got a hot dog tossed into crowd, but shoved out of the way and hurt his leg (crushed look, followed by throwing hat on ground in frustration, and later tears as the 'leg hurt"). In the car he ...

People say, (and by people I mean my therapists, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my friends, my family......) that I should not care about what other people think. The way they say it, makes me feels like I am stupid; like it should be easy.  I have been off work for over a year and just recently, I am feeling like I am getting to know my true self, and I am incredibly vulnerable. I am raw and open when I do Reiki. Subtle voices, insidious in my ear, whisper quietly, "Who do you think you are doing Reiki?"  I am raw and open when I go to the women's group where we cook and eat and then do an hour meditation.   I reached out to them.  I needed to belong to something.  I needed people.  No, that is not right.  I needed sisterhood.  I used to pride myself on needing no one and wore it like a badge of honor.  Again the voices hiss, "Who do you think you are coming here? What mak...

I used to dread going to see my therapist sometimes because I knew I could brew up a whirlwind rant about my workplace, culminating in a giant single sentence tornado that would destroy everything in the room--me included.  First of all they promoted this incompetent woman over me. Then they dumped more on me to do including helping HER staff. Then we had retirements that were not replaced..and big capital projects...and operational adjustments while being the only department to implement cost saving operational improvements. Then I get promised a title change but it never happens and then... (Even now I feel the urge to type out every minute detail just to know I am not crazy and these things are really horrible and evil and awful and they should all just----)   DEEEP BREATH!   At Inner Mean Girl Reform School our first lesson was to identify the inner mean girls who  tell you BIG FAT LIES about yourself and set you off o...

When I look up from my computer, I am greeted with the graduation smile photos of the boys.  The Youngest is dressed for SK, The Middle for grade 8 and The Oldest for both grade 8 and high school.  On the same sideboard is the digital photo frame, that flashes the more casual moments of a few years ago.    Often, as I try to fit life into my viewfinder, I get told to put the camera away and enjoy the moment.  I get it, I do and I try.  I am the photographer of the family so if I don't take the pictures, no one will.    Smartphones now have such fabulous resolution, it seems silly to take my giant camera bag places.  I can upload immediately, save, share and Ka-POW.   But what I am enjoying most this morning, is looking at the smiling faces of the boys (the oldest smiled for his grad photos as his gift to me---grade 9-12---he looks like he will beat you to death with his indifference), and the rotating pictures of our...