People say, (and by people I mean my therapists, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my friends, my family......) that I should not care about what other people think.
The way they say it, makes me feels like I am stupid; like it should be easy.
I have been off work for over a year and just recently, I am feeling like I am getting to know my true self, and I am incredibly vulnerable.
I am raw and open when I do Reiki. Subtle voices, insidious in my ear, whisper quietly, "Who do you think you are doing Reiki?"
I am raw and open when I go to the women's group where we cook and eat and then do an hour meditation. I reached out to them. I needed to belong to something. I needed people. No, that is not right. I needed sisterhood. I used to pride myself on needing no one and wore it like a badge of honor. Again the voices hiss, "Who do you think you are coming here? What makes you so special?"
The voices are my own.
I am shoring up my fragile self with voices that I have long forgotten. Voices from my childhood that sing: "I am good!", "I deserve good things!", "I can do anything!", "I am talented and special and wonderful just by being me!"
But those voices are not always there. Carefully, I continue to extend myself; to reach for what I need.
I am fragile.
The time will come soon to return to work. Too soon. I am still learning. I am still exploring.
I hope I have learned enough to sustain me.
Work is still the same.
But work cannot be the same,
because I am different?
The trick is....others will expect me to be who I was then.
It is my fall back. It is what I know. It is like putting on a comfortable pair of shoes. It is what I know. It is what I have done in my work life....
I blow things out of proportion.
I play us vs. them to motivate my staff.
I speak up.
I talk fast.
I am still angry.
At the waste.
At the inconsistencies.
At those who "lead" the organization as it chases its tail.
I cannot change others.
I have no control over others.
I only have control over myself.
How I act.
How I feel.
The voices in my head.
This will be my battle.
Holding onto myself.
Work in progress....