Skip to main content

How Do I Know When the Time is Right?

People say, (and by people I mean my therapists, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my friends, my family......) that I should not care about what other people think.

The way they say it, makes me feels like I am stupid; like it should be easy. 

I have been off work for over a year and just recently, I am feeling like I am getting to know my true self, and I am incredibly vulnerable.

I am raw and open when I do Reiki. Subtle voices, insidious in my ear, whisper quietly, "Who do you think you are doing Reiki?" 

I am raw and open when I go to the women's group where we cook and eat and then do an hour meditation.   I reached out to them.  I needed to belong to something.  I needed people.  No, that is not right.  I needed sisterhood.  I used to pride myself on needing no one and wore it like a badge of honor.  Again the voices hiss, "Who do you think you are coming here? What makes you so special?"

The voices are my own.

I am shoring up my fragile self with voices that I have long forgotten.  Voices from my childhood that sing: "I am good!", "I deserve good things!", "I can do anything!", "I am talented and special and wonderful just by being me!" 

But those voices are not always there.  Carefully, I continue to extend myself; to reach for what I need. 

Connection. 
Community.
Creativity.

I am fragile.

The time will come soon to return to work. Too soon.  I am still learning.  I am still exploring. 

I hope I have learned enough to sustain me. 
Work is still the same. 
But work cannot be the same,
because I am different? 

Am I? 

The trick is....others will expect me to be who I was then. 
It is my fall back.  It is what I know.  It is like putting on a comfortable pair of shoes.  It is what I know. It is what I have done in my work life....

all
my
life.

I cajole.
I joke.
I exaggerate.
I gossip.
I blow things out of proportion.
I play us vs. them to motivate my staff.
I speak up.
I talk fast.

I am still angry. 

At the waste.
At the inconsistencies.
At those who "lead" the organization as it chases its tail.

I cannot change others.
I have no control over others.

I only have control over myself.
How I act.
How I feel.
The voices in my head.

This will be my battle.
Holding onto myself.

Work in progress....







  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Getting to Know My Neighbor in Type B

As a self identified "Type A" behavior "enthusiast", getting to know my neighbor in "Type B" might help me get a handle on why I too often feel like I am banging my head against a wall at work.   
But before I get too far, after all, there are a bazillion "self assessment" tests out there from, "What potato chip flavor are you?" to "Which Prince outfit are you?"
In the 1950's, two cardiologists, Friedman and Rosenman used Type A and Type B as a way to describe behavioral responses associated with how male patients with heard conditions responded to stress in their waiting room.   
They observed that some of the men actually wore down the edges of the seats from sitting poised on the edges of the seat and jumping up frequently, (labelled Type A) while others were able to relax in their seats and the wear on the chairs was focused more evenly (labelled Type B).  
They went on to investigate further, testing and proving at that …