Friday, 3 January 2014

How Do I Know When the Time is Right?

People say, (and by people I mean my therapists, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my friends, my family......) that I should not care about what other people think.

The way they say it, makes me feels like I am stupid; like it should be easy. 

I have been off work for over a year and just recently, I am feeling like I am getting to know my true self, and I am incredibly vulnerable.

I am raw and open when I do Reiki. Subtle voices, insidious in my ear, whisper quietly, "Who do you think you are doing Reiki?" 

I am raw and open when I go to the women's group where we cook and eat and then do an hour meditation.   I reached out to them.  I needed to belong to something.  I needed people.  No, that is not right.  I needed sisterhood.  I used to pride myself on needing no one and wore it like a badge of honor.  Again the voices hiss, "Who do you think you are coming here? What makes you so special?"

The voices are my own.

I am shoring up my fragile self with voices that I have long forgotten.  Voices from my childhood that sing: "I am good!", "I deserve good things!", "I can do anything!", "I am talented and special and wonderful just by being me!" 

But those voices are not always there.  Carefully, I continue to extend myself; to reach for what I need. 

Connection. 
Community.
Creativity.

I am fragile.

The time will come soon to return to work. Too soon.  I am still learning.  I am still exploring. 

I hope I have learned enough to sustain me. 
Work is still the same. 
But work cannot be the same,
because I am different? 

Am I? 

The trick is....others will expect me to be who I was then. 
It is my fall back.  It is what I know.  It is like putting on a comfortable pair of shoes.  It is what I know. It is what I have done in my work life....

all
my
life.

I cajole.
I joke.
I exaggerate.
I gossip.
I blow things out of proportion.
I play us vs. them to motivate my staff.
I speak up.
I talk fast.

I am still angry. 

At the waste.
At the inconsistencies.
At those who "lead" the organization as it chases its tail.

I cannot change others.
I have no control over others.

I only have control over myself.
How I act.
How I feel.
The voices in my head.

This will be my battle.
Holding onto myself.

Work in progress....







  

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