Work In Progress

"Nev er be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."   Unknown It has been almost three years since I started writing, suggested by my therapist, as a great way to get the immortal hamster off the squealy infinity wheel of anxiety.  Writing helps take the looping internal dialogue of negative self talk and stretch it out into a linear format, where it has a beginning and an end.  It's a bit  like taking a pencil and jamming it into the noisy hamster wheel.   Ka-POW.... Which would probably send the hamster flying, or at least give him a tiny concussion, so I wouldn't really do that... but you get the idea. At one point, the squeaky wheel was accompanied by a very loud clock, keeping time to the squealing wheel.... TICK -TOCK-TICK-TOCK.   SQUEAK...SQUEAK... Not only were there a million things to do, a million things to fix, there was a countdown clock.  Figure it out. TICK...

here are moments in time that define you. They are etched in your memory in a way that if you close your eyes you can see them again; feel them again. They are an emotional echo ---so strong, they leave an imprint on your soul. When I was eleven, my favorite "uncle" died suddenly, in my house, while I was off at the grandparents. He and my "aunt" came to town for a week long visit after moving away one year earlier and my parents decided to throw a grand party and invite all their old friends. My sister and I were sent to the grandparents for the weekend, and I was promised the week after we could come home and I could have "Uncle Bill" all to myself! I learned much later that early Sunday morning, my "aunt" woke up when my uncle accused her of stealing the covers. They both rolled back over and went back to sleep. Between then and 10 AM when she work up again, he had experienced a cardiac event (not his first I am sad to say) i...

It is the first day of 2016 and the first day of the month I devote entirely to opening my heart and soul to hear what the universe is whispering.  January is the dreaming month.  It seems fitting that when the outside world is inside, that I should spend some time looking inward as well. Wrapped up in blankets and bed, peeking out at the cold icing sugar dusted world, I can get quiet, and just listen.   That is why I reserve the whole month of January. So I can find those moments between children and work and housework and the mundane to reach deep in to quiet pockets of being. Each year, they show up---beacons in the darkness that drag me back to the light, when the anxiety and depression sneak up on me and I feel myself going under.   On days when I just can't make another decision, I follow them to a safe place, because I found them in my dreaming month when I was open and listening and the world felt a bit more stable. Authentic ---it is t...

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds.  Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing.  The boat is gone.  You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything.  When the darkness squeezes it is all about now.  And now is nothing.  It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...

My tiny home feels hollow today.   Devoid of the warmly lit tree so recently in residence, the flat chocolate milk corner is invisible.  Barren of garland and stockings, the timer of the washing machine echoes up the stairwell.  Things are in their place; rooms remarkable due only to the absence of color--- beige and brown and black and Grey ---inside and out. Children are driven back to their alternate homes---school---with their mother.  The stairs are silent.  My heart feels hollow today.  This is when you have to be very careful.  Spring waits to be born, while the Grey winter growls and shrieks and demonstrates its power; promising frigid temperatures, more snow and freezing rain on the heels of so much ice storm devastation. Caution.  On a day such as this, governed by the Grey; muted by snow; the temptation to allow it to blanket your mind with so much numbness is a reality not to be trifled with.  Thi...

Today is a blue sky day--in so many ways. The obvious---the sky is blue.  But to be a blue sky day there has to be an absence of clouds.  So no matter where you turn when you are sitting---you can't see a single cloud.  That is the sky today. It is a blue sky day because the entire five of us plus one dog who has separation anxiety if I leave her at home, will be going on a road trip.  And I love a nice car ride. Tim's in hand.  I am not driving. Blue sky.... It is a blue sky day because I am taking butter tarts to the Spouse's father.  Who is 84 and not all that well---but who mumbles funny stories, teases my boys about girlfriends and who LOVES my butter tarts. It makes me feel blue sky inside. It is a blue sky day because we are meeting a bunch of the Spouse's family--and while that is normally completely overwhelming to me---I am aware that will trigger my anxiety and my "fake me" mask and so I will try to sit--and be quiet with who I am--and n...

Once upon a time I thought I was alone in this.  When I had my first crisis let's call it....I lived in a small town in Northern British Columbia.  I had access to a therapist and a psychiatrist so I was lucky in that way.  However, I did not get to experience the power of working in a group setting, sharing with others to discover I was not the only one struggling with anxiety, depression etc.   This time around, fragile me was placed in a hospital environment and just allowed to see that there was a me underneath of  "job me", "mom me", "house cleaner me", "homework checker me", etc.  I was pretty small while the other identities were all sharp corners -- bold and brassy and larger than life.  So then tiny amorphous me went to group sessions and met others.  We talked about what we were going through, how we felt helpless, lonely and out of control to stop it all. It was a safe community at the hospital --- and my world of ...

At my core, I am someone who like structure and a good plan.  Don't get me wrong---there are days in the summer when I will wake up early and decide it is a great day to go to the zoo.  There is much grumbling as I wake everyone up and inform them of my fantastic idea and let them know we are leaving in 20 minutes.  Breakfast?  We will eat on the road - breakfast sandwiches (that gets them moving a bit faster). I start packing bathing suits and lunches, sunscreen and water bottles.  Spontaneous trips often turn out better than planned ones since I know I WANT to go and there feels like there is less pressure for the day to be "like I planned".  It is an "adventure day" so anything can happen and I don't put expectations on the trip---ok well fewer expectations.  A couple of years ago we went on a7 day Caribbean cruise out of Tampa - me, my husband and two of the boys.  I planned out each day of the drive to and Flor...

A former colleague of mine recently quit her job to move back to her hometown for similar work.  I was curious to know how things were going, so when I called her we chatted about how workflow and customer service was so different in a small town. "You know though, the hardest thing about this change has been getting the customers to trust me.  They always want to speak to someone else that they know." "Really?" " Oh yeah! So somehow I have to work into the conversation that I was born here and grew up here and my dad still works here.  Once they hear that, the relax completely and then I can help them.  It is like they have put me in some sort of 'outsider' box and then move me into a 'local girl' kinda box." I think we all do that to some extent, look for a way to fit people into our system of boxes that make up our experiences in life--things we know and understand--we either accept or reject.   I am actually not mar...

 When I set my mind to achieving something, I have almost always succeeded.  At my core, I believe that it is just a matter of knowing what the expectation is and working hard. So it is only natural that I would apply this same philosophy my recovery.   Me at home : How can I be this sick after all this bed rest? What is going ON with my breathing and where is this pain coming from? I can't afford to be away from work --there is so much going on and these e-mails just keep coming so it is good I am answering them from home.  The laundry is piling up and there is no milk and geeze the toilet needs a good scrub.  I didn't get the muffins made and I didn't take those items to the donation box and I was going to clean out the fridge and pantry today --OMG I am such a loser! I can't do anything right even when I have all day?  I can't even GET BETTER. I feel like I would rather just pack it all in..what's the use anyway.....

  I am probably pretty late to the party on this one but recently, through my therapist, I have been introduced to the writings and talks of  Brené Brown ,  Ph.D. and Licensed Master Social Worker.  She is currently a research professor at the University of Houston,  Graduate College of Social Work  and has spent the last ten years researching and sharing her findings surrounding vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.    When I mentioned Brown to a friend of mine yesterday, and how I thought I might really benefit from reading her work, she exclaimed, " I KNOW! I just picked up two of her books from the library!" To which I responded--"SERIOUSLY??? I just ordered two of her books from Chapters!!!!"  ( Yes we talk like this sometimes.  I believe everyone should have one friend that you can get incredibly animated with, regardless of whether you are exci...