It is the first day of 2016 and the first day of the month I devote entirely to opening my heart and soul to hear what the universe is whispering. January is the dreaming month.
It seems fitting that when the outside world is inside, that I should spend some time looking inward as well. Wrapped up in blankets and bed, peeking out at the cold icing sugar dusted world, I can get quiet, and just listen.
That is why I reserve the whole month of January. So I can find those moments between children and work and housework and the mundane to reach deep in to quiet pockets of being.
Each year, they show up---beacons in the darkness that drag me back to the light, when the anxiety and depression sneak up on me and I feel myself going under.
On days when I just can't make another decision, I follow them to a safe place, because I found them in my dreaming month when I was open and listening and the world felt a bit more stable.
Authentic ---it is the first and came to me today. It came in the flash flood of fear that swirled around my ankles, threatening to knock me off my feet.
I was watching TV and everyone suddenly seemed so young...and I felt so old. Oldest is off with his girlfriend and starting his own life and I remember being that age, with so much that could be done. I could dance or learn violin or write or travel or do them all. But today, I felt like none of it was for me--this world---it was for the young--and I have maybe 20 or 30 years left, if I am lucky.
And that made me not want to get off the couch, or turn on my computer to write this or face anything. Instead I kept busy - preparing food, disassembling Christmas, drinking coffee. AVOID AVOID AVOID.
Don't look too close.
You can still learn the violin, I told myself---just like I learned to knit. But I am not knitting much now, and really, I don't even think I want to learn the violin.
But I watch too much tv and don't go to the gym enough. Is it all a waste? How do I know what I "should" be doing?
Should. Like a boxing glove to the stomach, "should" leaves me breathless and disoriented.
And then I hear it, "so long as you remain your authentic self....so long as you remain true to you....it will all be ok.
It's a light in the darkness. It goes to the feeling...the heart...the body...the spirit. What feels right, is right for me--for the moment I am in--with the information I have at the time. Stay open. Wait. Trust. Dream.....