Sunday, 5 January 2014

The Grey

My tiny home feels hollow today.   Devoid of the warmly lit tree so recently in residence, the flat chocolate milk corner is invisible.  Barren of garland and stockings, the timer of the washing machine echoes up the stairwell.  Things are in their place; rooms remarkable due only to the absence of color--- beige and brown and black and Grey ---inside and out. Children are driven back to their alternate homes---school---with their mother.  The stairs are silent.  My heart feels hollow today. 

This is when you have to be very careful.  Spring waits to be born, while the Grey winter growls and shrieks and demonstrates its power; promising frigid temperatures, more snow and freezing rain on the heels of so much ice storm devastation.

Caution.  On a day such as this, governed by the Grey; muted by snow; the temptation to allow it to blanket your mind with so much numbness is a reality not to be trifled with.  This month, bills arrive from well intentioned holiday purchases and whether it is the scale or the waistband, indulgences of eat and drink call up thoughts none too kind.

How do you bring buoyancy into a time when all you want to do is hibernate; to give in to the Grey?

While I will miss my son, gone back to school, but I look forward to hearing about his new classes.  I look to his reading week when he will come home again and allow me to fill him full of good food and his brother will tackle him with well intentioned hugs and bury him in requests to play video games. 

I have a vacation coming.  A luxury holiday. One not planned by me. A reward due to excellence at work by the Spouse.  This is my challenge from the Universe.  Accept a gift.  Recognize you deserve good things.  Leave your youngest for the first time ever (at 9 years old...) and spend time reconnecting with the Spouse at a place you could never afford.  Leave your comfort zone.  Fly on a plane.  Put on a bathing suit with your new, rounder shape.  Make friends.  Meditate and reconnect with yourself so you can avoid your health problems that appear when anxiety is present.  Be healthy. Enjoy.  Deny the Grey.

I have work coming.  This alone is enough for me to wish for the Grey blanket would descend on my head. Yet, I can almost see work for what it is:  a way to earn $ to do all the things that are my true purpose.  I can continue to explore all things with this job and have security and health benefits and a roof over my head.  It also allows me to look for other work.  I will fight the Grey on this one. 

My birthday looms.  Forty seven.  That number seems incredibly large and I often feel I am coming to my purpose too late in life.  But this is not true.  I have been on this path since my early 20's when I discovered a naturopath and how interconnected the body, mind and soul are.  I have lost my way several times, but I always end up back here looking, learning, growing.

Who do I want to be in 2014?

I want to be me.  I want to be authentic and real and present and aware.  If I can be these things---and it is a pretty heady list, the rest will fall into place.

As always, I am a Work in Progress.

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