Skip to main content

Today is...


Today is a blue sky day--in so many ways.

The obvious---the sky is blue.  But to be a blue sky day there has to be an absence of clouds.  So no matter where you turn when you are sitting---you can't see a single cloud.  That is the sky today.

It is a blue sky day because the entire five of us plus one dog who has separation anxiety if I leave her at home, will be going on a road trip.  And I love a nice car ride. Tim's in hand.  I am not driving. Blue sky....

It is a blue sky day because I am taking butter tarts to the Spouse's father.  Who is 84 and not all that well---but who mumbles funny stories, teases my boys about girlfriends and who LOVES my butter tarts. It makes me feel blue sky inside.

It is a blue sky day because we are meeting a bunch of the Spouse's family--and while that is normally completely overwhelming to me---I am aware that will trigger my anxiety and my "fake me" mask and so I will try to sit--and be quiet with who I am--and not busy and bluster and watch the hands of the clock move past the agreed upon time of our departure and then get agitated as Spouse is not in any hurry to go.  I look forward to trying this today.  Showing up today will be my blue sky event of the day.

It is a blue sky day because while I woke up stiff and sore---the lack of humidity and typing is loosening up my fingers and so far my nerve pain in my back is ok. Knowing I can function through a day with some physical discomfort...remembering I am in control of whether I sit or stand or walk to relieve the pain.  Allowing myself to feel what I feel and not trying to deny it, to carry on at all cost, will be my blue sky challenge today.

It is a blue sky day because my very best friend has come back to Ontario for a visit and I will get to see her soon. She who loves me for all of who I am. She makes my sky blue when it is not.

It is a blue sky day because I reconnected with a special woman from another lifetime of mine when I was a teacher.  She is amazingly strong and unique and talented and is facing her own journey of discovery.  It is through our stories --through sharing our shame with those who have earned the privilege of hearing it--that we connect and feel part of the world instead of alone inside it. Thanks J for being a reason to get to work all that time ago--and for the strength to continue now.

Today is a blue sky day.




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mind the Gap

I have been browsing my writing. Just a few samples here and there. Noting the gaps--like the big one where I posted on the eve of 2020 not knowing a global pandemic would shut down the world and then didn't post again until just last week. Feels like that would have been a good time to write. During a pandemic.  Write about survival mode, collecting oldest and his gf from their rental to camp out in our basement bedroom for five months, the middle home as college was closed and R and I getting a week to figure out how to be online college instructors. There were days of washing groceries, yelling at my mom and step-dad to get their asses home from Florida before the boarder closed and scouring the internet for toilet paper and masks. It was exhausting and scary and bitterness flowed unhampered at every #qualitytimewiththekiddos" posting of crafts and puzzles and tiktok dances from those who found themselves at home, not working.  It was all hands on deck at our place wi...
Post a Comment
There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Guidepost #7 Cultivating Play and Rest

The sky, dark blue fading to purple, then  pink and orange---in this instant --- it is hard to tell if it is the morning or night.  Perhaps in contradiction to the title, I am up early to write.  This is my playtime.  Writing is something that brings me both joy and a sense of accomplishment.  The Adult Day Treatment Program was my what kept me anchored to reality during the early months of my collapse.  Learning about anxiety, medications, depression, relaxation all made sense tome--had value--and could be immediately applied to my situation.  I took copious notes, I participated in class, I reflected, I did what I know best---see problem---tackle problem. What was difficult for me, was understanding the value of our "recreation" hour (a.k.a. crafts or games). I remember feeling a bit like I was in a movie or on some gag reel and I was the only one not in on the joke as people moved to pick up half painted wooden b...
Post a Comment
There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Keeping Afloat in Darkness - When Robin Williams is Gone

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds.  Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing.  The boat is gone.  You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything.  When the darkness squeezes it is all about now.  And now is nothing.  It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...
4 comments
There is more good stuff--keep reading»