Skip to main content

It's a Brutiful Life...

I recently acknowledged my one year "back-to-work-iversary" after two years off after a deep dive into depression and anxiety--hospital stays--support groups, medication and therapy.  To borrow a word from Glennon Doyle Melton, it is Brutiful.  

It is Beautiful.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling forward into blinding fear and self-love --where everyone is doing the best that they can---really.  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism no more.

Brutal.  Tender, raw and vulnerable, falling backward into blinding fear and self-doubt -- where everyone is doing the best that they can? ---really?  Undone by the spectre of judgement and perfectionism! No more....

It is the flip side of the same coin and each day is a new toss.

I have been favoured with more Beautiful than Brutal.  

Life is Brutiful


Brutal stalks my peripheral, winking, as I cast a furtive glance over my shoulder, my feet pounding the ground of what feels more and more like a treadmill to nowhere.  

Each day I face Brutal...head on and come out bruised and battered, my focus turns to the race, to avoiding a misstep as I navigate familiar old terrain that I had hoped was far behind me.  And Beautiful, that surrounds me, is lost to paranoia as I dare not falter in my mad dash to stay afoot.

To be sucked under again is terrifying.  Even knowing, as I do, that the strength and power are within me to rise again....I lower my head, lean in and double my efforts, feeling Brutal's stench so close in pursuit.

And then it happens...

It is brutal's day and you go down.

And you have no words.
You are exhausted.

And you feel like all that you have done is nothing.  You can't get to nowhere, you are already there.  You are nowhere and no one.  

But the secret is, that Beautiful is all around you.  But your eyes are closed to it and it's ok to give in to that BRUTAL day.  It's ok to have let Brutal win.

Because life is Brutiful.  Life can only be Beautiful if it is Brutal. and life can only be Brutal if it is likewise Beautiful.  

So today, I am grateful for Brutal.  

I will embrace brutal and let it wash over me.  I will lean into it and accept today I have fallen and am beat up and can see nothing besides darkness.  

Because so far, in my whole life, I have seen that light ALWAYS follows darkness.  Each having its time.  One for rest and one for growth.  One to shine and one to reflect.  

And like the ebb and flow, my life follows.  

I am...a Work in Progress.


Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Lesson's From Frozen and Taylor Swift

"Let it go....let it go...." and "Shake it off...shake it off."
I alternate between these two borrowed mantra for this time--- when the world seems too loud and bright. Even my clothes touching my skin is too much.  I yank off my sweater, and hop step out of my pants while walking upstairs to my room after work, finally able to breath once the edges of sleeves, cowls of turtlenecks and waistbands of tights no longer feel like burning, scratching sun burn.   
My skin feels too tight as I try to keep myself together in this package that is required to carry out my daily tasks.  
"This is not my circus. These are not my monkeys."
"Your lack of planning is not my emergency."
It is far too easy to get caught up in the drama of things that are so divisive---as you try to separate yourself by thinking it is not your problem or it is not my fault or I am better than this or I don't need anyone - when we should be connecting to each other in a supportive …