If I listen closely, I can hear the pieces sliding into place. The universe is conspiring in my favor.
While I would love that to mean I have the right lotto numbers, (yes some days I still think money would solve a lot of my problems), instead, the universe has decided that I am strong enough to look to my heart and soul work and face the seed "receive".
I knew it would be a tricky one for me, but as I reflect on the five soul seeds of 2014, (brave, feel, trust, flow, receive) I now believe that it is at the core of the others.
It is Better to Give than Receive
From the Bible, Acts 20:35 (King James Version):
I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
I did not grow up in a religious home. We didn't go to church, even on holidays. I was baptized though, to appease my grandparents, and did attend a church sponsored girls group---Explorers--but only because my friends were going (it did turn out to be a lot of fun though).
I suspect though that most people are familiar with this biblical passage....at least just the last part about better to give than receive.
While giving and receiving might seem simple, one look at Wikipedia's page on "gift economy" will have you thinking otherwise.
For now, it is enough for me to look at "receive" and what it means to me and how I plan to water this seed during this year.
As I walk on this path I have become aware that receiving is not a passive activity but a very active one. There is always a choice, and for a long time, I have had filtered my world to only receive things that nurtured my Inner Mean Girls
Just yesterday I attended a woman's group and lingered after our hour long meditation to talk about some of the things our meditation had brought up for me.
We were discussing the opportunity to do a one day meditation retreat in a nearby Buddhist temple. I was fascinated at the idea that the only qualification for being accepted into this retreat was showing up! That was it. That was good enough. The only qualifier for acceptance and learning was to show up.
Looking back, I see how my family seemed to always be hustling for our worth, as Brene Brown puts it. We felt we needed to have certain things or do certain things to be accepted in the preferred social groups. I had to take riding lessons and tennis lessons. I learned piano and ballet. Company coming meant I would crawl around under the furniture, polishing the wood until it gleamed. The lesson I learned there was you had to be pretty darn perfect to be worthy of company.
Much of the time I did NOT feel worthy of it. I wasn't skinny enough, didn't go to the right school, wasn't taking the right courses, was not rich enough and would never have been considered fine boned or pretty enough. I didn't use Clinique products, I didn't read fashion magazines, I didn't ski....in residence in university, there were more did not do/have, than did.
But at my Eat, Share, Love cooking group---I am welcomed. I receive hugs. I receive warmth. I become so full of joy and love that I can't help but smile and share and the energy becomes an entity of its own----carrying us all to our meditation group. And the qualification for being able to be part of this? All I did was show up and receive. I suppose it was a gift to myself as well.
That might sound easy, but for years, my Inner Mean Girls were in charge. On day one of my Eat, Share, Love group---the picked up the familiar chatter:
"You don't belong here! Who do you think you are?"
"You have nothing in common with these women. Their problems are nothing compared to yours."
"These women are all in some sort of crisis! You are not in crisis! You don't deserve to be here".
"Do you know how much time you are wasting! There are things to do!"
"You need to do something that will help you figure out returning to work. Once that happens you will not be able to come here. Don't get attached to anyone. Just stay aloof. You will have to stop coming soon."
Very slowly, my Inner Wisdom has emerged out of the back of the group. She holds my hand. She tells me I deserve to feel loved. I don't need to prove myself to anyone here. Open your heart my darling and receive the support, the love, the connection to something bigger than yourself.
I realized that watering these soul seeds is like watering me. I have been parched...for a long time. My heart has been locked away in a safe place to avoid being hurt. But love, like water helps you grow. It gives you what you need to stand tall, be strong and bloom into the very best you their is.
So today, on International Self-Love Day---I will open my heart and just show up---and that.
Will. Be. Enough.