Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Extending my Small World - Part One - Good Intentions

Last summer, I wrote about my small world. The world of pink and purple morning sky, hot coffee and birdsong on my back deck.  Flowing dresses, birdsong, warm breezes caressing my skin; I was trying to find peace in this small world as the big world over my fence zoomed by in cars and busses carrying people to work---the one place that had contributed so highly to my breakdown. 

Since then, I have applied myself to finding tools and people to help me feel settled in my own skin. To sit and do nothing and fall back into old habits would have been infinitely easier than to do the work.  It is the work of the soul; to find your way back to the you that has always been there. 

I found Brene Brown, Inner Mean Girl Reform School, Mood and Anxiety Group at the hospital, my therapist, the Sisters Social, meditation, Eat, Share, Love group, my Sista Perfectionista...and all of it helped me take myself apart and put it back together in a way that makes sense. 

It is not like it is a puzzle, where each pieces is designed to fit perfectly, but more like lego....where you are limited in creating only by the amount of work you want to put in.

For the first time in a long time, I feel joy.  I feel optimistic.  I feel strong and able and creative and self-reflective.  I am ready to listen...not just talk, and I am ready to feel vulnerable so I can conquer fear and shame.

I have taken a few steps into the big world.  Met people, joined groups, taken a trip, gone places I have never been, in search of peace.  But I think perhaps I have skipped a step.

Between the small world of the inside of my head and the big world out there is my home and family. Home is my space of meditation; of knitting, Reiki and my early morning writing time.  It has been the exact respite I needed in my time of recovery because for the most part, I was here alone, venturing out to the gym or groups or massage therapy whenever it suited me. 

I had created a pretty sweet world for myself that allowed me to put myself at the top of the list for most of my days.  As I felt stronger, I knew there was, and is, one place in my life where there is work to be done, and with all my new tools, calm headspace and wonderful support I was ready to talk to The Spouse.  It was time for the big conversation....we need to get in, or get out of this relationship.

Vulnerability is the route to courage.  Which seems so counter intuitive.  If you are brave, you should THEN be able to be vulnerable right?  But only by being vulnerable, putting all of you out there, raw and truthful to ask for what you need---to hand your heart to someone else to see what they will do with it.  THAT is true courage.

Love is what gives life value.  Let go of things that do not bring you happiness.  Letting go removes suffering (let go of him or let go of the past that prevents me from being vulnerable and risk losing him if I find out he is not what I need).  There was no clear answer---just a clear question; what are you going to do about this part of your life that needs some attention before you can continue.  What are you holding on to that you need to let go of to grow and thrive?


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