Skip to main content

Extending my Small World - Part One - Good Intentions

Last summer, I wrote about my small world. The world of pink and purple morning sky, hot coffee and birdsong on my back deck.  Flowing dresses, birdsong, warm breezes caressing my skin; I was trying to find peace in this small world as the big world over my fence zoomed by in cars and busses carrying people to work---the one place that had contributed so highly to my breakdown. 

Since then, I have applied myself to finding tools and people to help me feel settled in my own skin. To sit and do nothing and fall back into old habits would have been infinitely easier than to do the work.  It is the work of the soul; to find your way back to the you that has always been there. 

I found Brene Brown, Inner Mean Girl Reform School, Mood and Anxiety Group at the hospital, my therapist, the Sisters Social, meditation, Eat, Share, Love group, my Sista Perfectionista...and all of it helped me take myself apart and put it back together in a way that makes sense. 

It is not like it is a puzzle, where each pieces is designed to fit perfectly, but more like lego....where you are limited in creating only by the amount of work you want to put in.

For the first time in a long time, I feel joy.  I feel optimistic.  I feel strong and able and creative and self-reflective.  I am ready to listen...not just talk, and I am ready to feel vulnerable so I can conquer fear and shame.

I have taken a few steps into the big world.  Met people, joined groups, taken a trip, gone places I have never been, in search of peace.  But I think perhaps I have skipped a step.

Between the small world of the inside of my head and the big world out there is my home and family. Home is my space of meditation; of knitting, Reiki and my early morning writing time.  It has been the exact respite I needed in my time of recovery because for the most part, I was here alone, venturing out to the gym or groups or massage therapy whenever it suited me. 

I had created a pretty sweet world for myself that allowed me to put myself at the top of the list for most of my days.  As I felt stronger, I knew there was, and is, one place in my life where there is work to be done, and with all my new tools, calm headspace and wonderful support I was ready to talk to The Spouse.  It was time for the big conversation....we need to get in, or get out of this relationship.

Vulnerability is the route to courage.  Which seems so counter intuitive.  If you are brave, you should THEN be able to be vulnerable right?  But only by being vulnerable, putting all of you out there, raw and truthful to ask for what you need---to hand your heart to someone else to see what they will do with it.  THAT is true courage.

Love is what gives life value.  Let go of things that do not bring you happiness.  Letting go removes suffering (let go of him or let go of the past that prevents me from being vulnerable and risk losing him if I find out he is not what I need).  There was no clear answer---just a clear question; what are you going to do about this part of your life that needs some attention before you can continue.  What are you holding on to that you need to let go of to grow and thrive?


Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Getting to Know My Neighbor in Type B

As a self identified "Type A" behavior "enthusiast", getting to know my neighbor in "Type B" might help me get a handle on why I too often feel like I am banging my head against a wall at work.   
But before I get too far, after all, there are a bazillion "self assessment" tests out there from, "What potato chip flavor are you?" to "Which Prince outfit are you?"
In the 1950's, two cardiologists, Friedman and Rosenman used Type A and Type B as a way to describe behavioral responses associated with how male patients with heard conditions responded to stress in their waiting room.   
They observed that some of the men actually wore down the edges of the seats from sitting poised on the edges of the seat and jumping up frequently, (labelled Type A) while others were able to relax in their seats and the wear on the chairs was focused more evenly (labelled Type B).  
They went on to investigate further, testing and proving at that …

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…