Skip to main content

Connection

Brene Brown defines connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. 

I am struggling with connection right now.  

There are so many types of relationships...parent/child, friends, family, co-workers, lovers, partners, etc.  But we don't always connect - right? 

Family for example.  You don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose whether you want to put out the effort to stay connected to them after you become an adult.  When I was younger, I didn't think much about family.  My aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents--they were always around. But as an adult, I spun off into my own nuclear unit and family, outside my own housefull faded into the background.

I think it was because I didn't want to need people.  People, will disappoint you. Harden your heart so you don't need them and then you have less to fear.  

Co-workers.  Oddly enough, because our paycheque rides on it, I think we work harder to connect with the people we work with more than our family.  At least in my experience.  Well, except the judgement part.  Judgment is the performance review of the connection!  

Family and Co-Workers, I can see where I fall short.  Therapy, if nothing else, has helped me follow the thread back to where my fear of connection comes from.  

It's a bit like finally assembling the Lego Death Star, never having seen Star Wars--by listening to someone describe how to do it over the phone---and upon completion---not knowing what you are going to do with it now that it is done!  It's great! It's an achievement!  You now know what a Death Star is...but if you want to do anything with it, you have to write down all the instructions, backwards, as you UN assemble it --and that just seems like too much work.

Which brings me to the tip of my current work in progress---friendship.  

I have one friend, Auntie 'Lell---who I have known since I was five.  No matter where we lived or what we did ow who we were with, we always connected....Brene Brown connected....Brenected?

And there is of course Sista.  We connect.  And it is Ka-POW awesome.  

And while I get it takes effort to maintain a friendship -- connection doesn't.  It is there or it isn't.  

But sometimes, you connect with someone, and then you don't.  And what I am trying to figure out is what happens?  

I am specifically thinking of a friend I had through part of elementary school and who was my BFF all the way up through most of my University life.  We connected.  We just did.   

And then we didn't.

I am sure at the time, I could have rattled off a laundry list of petty reasons why I literally STOPPED returning her phone calls---I see now it really does come down to not feeling seen, heard, and valued. and no longer deriving sustenance and strength from the relationship.  Somewhere along the line, I guess there was a tipping point.

But with Sista and Auntie 'Lell we connect.  Will there be a time we don't?  Is there a tipping point in these relationships?  I guess for me, yes.  Yes there is. 

Pleasing people was not big on my list --again, I followed that thread, I build my Death Star---so I guess I would let them go.  I try not to hold on to broken things.  Fix them or get new ones.

Which leads me to the real crux of where I am at right now.  But not with Sista or Family or Co-Workers or Auntie 'Lell...and not with Youngest or Middle or Oldest.....

Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. 

Fix it or get a new one.  I try not to hold on to broken things.......








Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Lesson's From Frozen and Taylor Swift

"Let it go....let it go...." and "Shake it off...shake it off."
I alternate between these two borrowed mantra for this time--- when the world seems too loud and bright. Even my clothes touching my skin is too much.  I yank off my sweater, and hop step out of my pants while walking upstairs to my room after work, finally able to breath once the edges of sleeves, cowls of turtlenecks and waistbands of tights no longer feel like burning, scratching sun burn.   
My skin feels too tight as I try to keep myself together in this package that is required to carry out my daily tasks.  
"This is not my circus. These are not my monkeys."
"Your lack of planning is not my emergency."
It is far too easy to get caught up in the drama of things that are so divisive---as you try to separate yourself by thinking it is not your problem or it is not my fault or I am better than this or I don't need anyone - when we should be connecting to each other in a supportive …