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Human, Being


Imagine you have been an at amusement park all day, wandering the park, going on rides, eating and the park is closing and you are heading home.  Half way home you suddenly get this weird feeling and reach for your wallet.  It's not in your pocket, or your purse.  You pull over and it's not in the car.  You rack your brain to remember the last time you had it in your hand.  You remember setting it on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom. OMG, maybe you left it there.    

Ok so that, that right there, that stomach flip feeling of dread, terror, guilt, self-deprecation, fear, your mind racing to how you will possibly replace all your ID, cancel your credit cards, THAT is the feeling I have been living with every morning when I wake up.

It's a new experience.  The other two times I have been off work, trying to unspool my doom spirals, I was always able to get up in the morning.  It's possible, I got up those times because I had something to do.  I had kids that needed breakfast, dogs that needed out, but now I am frozen in my bed.

"What do you mean by 'frozen;'?" my therapist asks.

"Well like I don't want to open my eyes, or move."

"What would opening your eyes and getting out of bed mean?"

"Well, I don't know what to do.  I mean when I do get up, I get dressed right away, take my meds with a protein shake and feed the dogs if they haven't been fed by the Spouse yet.  But then what am I supposed to DO? I just don't know.  I can't face that, so I keep my eyes closed and pray to go back to sleep."

"What sorts of choices do you have for things you GET to do when you wake up?  Could you go for a walk?  Read? Meditate? Bake something?  Can you create a list before bed so you have choices in the morning?"

"Yes, I have tried that.  But when I review the list I consider each one carefully and go down each road and still can't decide what is the 'right' thing to do.  Then I am exhausted from the mental gymnastics of trying on each idea and now I have no motivation to DO anything."

"Why do you have to DO anything?"


"I am off work!  The Spouse works two jobs.  I need to DO something.  I can't not DO something. Otherwise, what value do I have?  I am just taking up space."

"Is it possible to recognize that you are in fact doing a lot of things?  You are getting up and dressed and taking your meds and eating something each day.  You are going to therapy, you are seeing your doctor, you are practicing the things we talk about each week......."

Hmmmmmmmm.  

"Remember, we are actually human beings---not human doings"  Can you just BE in the moment and check in with yourself, kindly and ask which of the many things that are available to you, will bring you joy--and do that first."

"Like listen to music?  Or read a chapter in my book? Or sit outside under the back yard umbrella and listen to my pond's waterfall".


"Yes!  Exactly!  By taking time to ask what brings you joy, you can start your day like that and that will help you connect with yourself.  You are so busy trying to think of what to do, you don't remember what it feels like to just 'be'".

This will take some time to get my head wrapped around---but I am happy to say I am making some progress.   I should be happy (my old therapist's voice rings in my head "stop 'shoulding' on yourself), and I am, but I am suspicious of what changed.  

For weeks I had this frozen bed problem and now, after yet another med change and continued therapy, I can actually get out of bed on my own and the frozen fear feeling just isn't there.  Is it the meds change?  (These new ones upset my stomach to the point of being incommunicado for let's say 30 min 3x a day).  Are they changing the chemistry in my brain alone or are they changing it enough that my therapy actually STICKS in my head (Often my therapist reminds me I have brought up the same issue in multiple sessions but I have no recollection.  Or is it just the therapy working and I am realizing how much control I have over my thoughts?   

My uncle is in town tonight and I agreed to go meet him for dinner and I am not even stressed about it even though I haven't seen anyone in MONTHS.  What's going on??

The frozen me has thawed somewhat.  I should celebrate because who knows if it will last beyond this day or even this moment.  So I won't go poking around in my head trying to figure out why things feel different and just take the win.

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