Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz  

I would love to open up a dictionary some day (do we even print these things any more?) but ok so search online and never find, not even once, an instance of the use of 'should'.

Should takes bites of your soul, your 'goodness'  and gorges on your wellbeing in a way that no other word I can think of will.   

How often IN A DAY, does that inner voice ding the bell of should?  

"I should go for a walk; I should eat better, I should stop being so lazy, I should call someone to go somewhere; I should make better choices. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp until you are a bit of Swiss cheese instead of a whole person.

One of my therapists, (yes there is more than one), has provided me with a new word I am trying out--prefer.  I would prefer I had more energy to go for a walk right now; I would prefer to eat something better for my body, I would prefer to feel motivated to go somewhere etc.

There is a lot of power in words.  Make your words impeccable, my therapist says is one of the four agreements she follows and prefer fits into this.  

First, it removes the negative.  An example where you can see this in action is if you look at the drinking and driving TV spots that used to hail "Don't Drink and Drive", now carefully rephrased as "Drive Alive, Drive Sober".  They propose the thing TO do, and remove the wording of what you are not to do.

Does prefer work the same way?  

Not exactly.  I can prefer that I had energy to go for a walk and still not have it (and perhaps now feel incredibly full of shame) but it does function to move you from lack of, to possibility for something to manifest.

If I prefer to have energy then that is something I can still reach for and get access to.  If I SHOULD have energy, it is like the door is already closed and the shame spiral is much deeper. I should, I don't, therefore I am broken AND this reinforces the message that I can't, won't and will never have the energy.  

Should is a dirty word

Can we be more gentle with ourselves and try:  "I would prefer that I have energy for a walk AND I am going to do it anyway".  Just because we aren't currently able doesn't mean that that energy can't be manifested through action.  I should go to the dentist vs. I prefer not to have painful, rotting teeth helps us see that one path is open to explore, while the other says, shame on you, you don't care enough to do what needs to be done.  

Try some of these on...

I should lose weight ---I would prefer that my clothes fit more comfortably and I can sit a bit more comfortably.

I should call my mother --- I would prefer to keep tensions in my life low and by calling my mother I can keep our relationship a bit smoother than if I don't call for weeks on end.

I should stop drinking --- I would prefer to have a clear head in the mornings and be more present with my friends and family at social events and put more money toward our holiday fund.

The perfect solution?

Hardly.  Prefer is a small pebble that you can cast out in an attempt to see if you can get it to skip to your rhythm of what feels better in your heart.  It allows you to be authentic, while optimistic and far less judgmental than the "s" word. 

Start by noticing how often you should things.  How often does the words you say to yourself crush your motivation and trample your sense of well being. Try preferring your life to be just that one thing, in that one moment, that you want to see happen. 

Am going to try to tackle the four agreements in book form to see what else I can get from this toolbox that I can add to my own.