Work In Progress

"It's normal.  Totally normal.  Like me, you are passionate about your job and Monday to Friday, working, has been the framework that's defined you.  And now it is gone, while you are off work, doing this other work, this really really important work, on you.  Weekends and weekdays don't hold the same meaning.  It can feel really scary...you feel out of control.  I use a big print calendar on my wall to help with that sense of floating around.  It helps, some." She looked at me skeptically.  "Yeah, well it makes me feel like I have become stupid. Sometimes I feel like everything is on pause and then fast forward....." "I feel that way too.  One of my therapists in big on mindfulness, and she has helped me understand how my biggest challenge is accepting how things are--right now, today---life on play so to speak.  I can't rewind and fix the past, I can't fast forward through all this hard stuff I need to go through to get well...

In 1998 it was bi-polar type II. In 2012 it was Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety. Now in 2024 it's bi-polar type III (which I didn't even know existed). Is this a cycle thing? A result of supressing the whole COVID thing? Left over hormonal menopause issue? How did I end up here again---off work---depressed and anxious, in the ER---weighing my options between swallowing a million pills or carving up my wrists in the tub. I don't want to be like this. Which turns into I don't want to be. It's a scary shit show and every place I seek help is throwing darts at a possible medicinal solution to get me back to my overperforming, perfectionist, self back on the stage at the front of a classroom. "You can't expect medicine to solve it all!" Yeah, I can hear you thinking that. I've been in therapy for six months now---as often as once a week and am currently juggling two therapists as I try something new. I used to know this stuff. I regu...