Work In Progress

Each time I speak to one of my mental health support team they seem delighted with my ability to "see what is going on" and recognize my own part in it. They say I am "enlightened". "While I do believe that not replacing the other manager in my department has meant a significant amount of stress and workload has been placed on my shoulders in a role I am not comfortable with, I also know work is doing what they need to do to keep the business moving forward in the best way they know how." "Look at how much more clearly you are thinking!" "I have expressed my concern about the direction work has chosen to take with my development after my stress leave, but could perhaps do so more clearly.  My recent "outstanding"  review indicates that they are pleased with my performance.  I do have a role in how much effort I put in and perhaps am over extending myself to reach this level. I need to let my ...

Finding a new family doctor when I moved here was easier than expected.   A quick online search matched me to a doctor also new to town, who was accepting patients.   As we did a  brief personal medical history, I described the basics: my mental health issues with depression and anxiety, my recent career change and "irritable bowl syndrome" --a diagnosis I had received some 10 years prior after all the tests for Crohn's disease, Colitis and Diverticulitis came back negative. "Of course IBS.  You are fair skinned, thin, and Typical Type A personality!" My first reaction was: She thinks I am thin!!!   Followed by a swelling of pride at being called "type A". (Further pride erupted as I mentioned my A+ blood type---like really---how amazing can I be, right?) Let's face it. We live in a culture where everything is measured against some yardstick of success and getting an A...well, it speaks for itself.   Type...

Ugh, things are getting messy.  I don't like messy.   Messy like mixed up messy.  Like if you threw all your important papers on the floor--bills, notes, your taxes,  the key to your sanity from all your workshops and reading and notes---and then you dumped a bunch of other papers on top---and then laundry---and then the contents of your garbage can----then Cheerios-------- and rainbow glitter.   I know the important stuff is there, somewhere buried,  and I am on my knees in the middle this smelly, deep, pile of crap----and I am in it by myself.   I am trying to get to the stuff I need; the bits of wisdom I have been listening to and reading and exploring every day.   But the piles are damp, from garbage or wet laundry---I don't  even know.   The glitter is pretty, but there is no hiding all this crap.   You can put glitter on crap.  But it is still crap.   And the worst part is...what I need to do ...

I am struggling today. I don't even know how to write about it and it really is quite simple.  Maybe that is the best way. Keep it simple. Last night I took Youngest at a hockey game.  I don't particularly like hockey and faced with watching the testosterone battle on the ice, or listening to the testosterone driven conversations about salary and successes by the dads around me, I chose to turn my attention to watching Youngest.   He wears his emotions for everyone to see.  So I observed.... ...the good things:   had popcorn and a drink laser show got high fives by players coming out of the tunnel (big smile!) and the not good things: did not get a t-shirt tossed into crowd did not get a water bottle tossed into crowd almost got a hot dog tossed into crowd, but shoved out of the way and hurt his leg (crushed look, followed by throwing hat on ground in frustration, and later tears as the 'leg hurt"). In the car he ...

I have a few of them, and remembering them today is a wonderful way for me to find a "quick fix" when I am feeling anxious; a common theme these days as I struggle to deal with taking another break from work to battle my demons.  Writing about them helps me 'get back there' and it has been a long time and I didn't realize I miss visiting them and the power they have to create a positive impact on my physiology.   One is high up in a broad leaf maple that sat on the corner of my property as a kid.  It's like Mother Nature designed that tree for climbing; so many time swinging mt leg over the lowest branch and hooking my foot around the branch beside to pull myself up,  that the branch was worn smooth by the oils and friction. Often, I stretched out on the lowest branch, my back against the trunk---to branches on either sides, my arm rests. and just sit.  Other times, I would climb higher, up to a wide part of the trunk that reclined ever so t...

I used to teach "relaxation" as part of grade 8 drama curriculum in British Columbia.  Whoever came up with this idea was brilliant! Students would arrive chatty and full of energy---distracted by thoughts of lunch or love interests or just about ANYTHING other than school and I got to say: OK--let's turn out the lights, lie on the floor and play - who can be quiet the longest! The only other person who had it that good was the gym teacher who could start each class with laps and physically crush any excessive hyperactivity from their prepubescent bodies. At first, I tried using soft music or nature sounds and asked them to breathe in and out, tensing and then releasing various parts of their body. This is called progressive muscle relaxation and while it worked well, I could sense the students got bored of this after a few sessions and started to get distracted.   When I asked for feedback on what the challenges were, the majority complained it was...

I t's a running joke these days..."Go to your happy place..."  very often heard when you, or someone you know, is in a frustrating situation over which they feel they have little control.  And while the "happy place" is not meant to solve any of your problems, it will help lessen the impact of the truck load of stress related chemicals your brain dumps into your body in response to any real or perceived challenges life tosses as you. THE F-ING RESPONSE It's the old "freeze...flight or fight" response (you and your dirty mind).  First, your body FREEZES while your brain tries to interpret what the hell is going on .....(the ehemicals now SLAMMING into all your cells like an internal pinball game).  Then it decides to fight against what is going on, or take off ...literally...to burn off the chemicals. It's not a bad thing.  It's what kept the human race alive when they first encountered things like saber tooth tigers....