Messy Mind

Ugh, things are getting messy.  I don't like messy.  

Messy like mixed up messy.  Like if you threw all your important papers on the floor--bills, notes, your taxes,  the key to your sanity from all your workshops and reading and notes---and then you dumped a bunch of other papers on top---and then laundry---and then the contents of your garbage can----then Cheerios-------- and rainbow glitter.  

I know the important stuff is there, somewhere buried,  and I am on my knees in the middle this smelly, deep, pile of crap----and I am in it by myself.  

I am trying to get to the stuff I need; the bits of wisdom I have been listening to and reading and exploring every day.  

But the piles are damp, from garbage or wet laundry---I don't  even know.  

The glitter is pretty, but there is no hiding all this crap.  
You can put glitter on crap.  But it is still crap.  

And the worst part is...what I need to do is to go through all the crap.

I suppose I could just put a tarp over it all and carry on?  It's too big.  I'll trip on it.

What about if I dress it up nice with some flowers?  That will only work for a while.  It's still a pile of crap....just now with dead flowers.  

I suppose I could just walk away?  Ughhhh....

Dig.

Each paper, held to the light, damp and wilting, covered in grime and glitter.

It is important.  

Is it?  

Sure.  

Why again?

Agitated.  Eat Cheerios to think.  Can't. Glitter. Garbage.  

Stomach rolls over.

Waves of nausea.  I can just get up and walk away......

It's there.  

What's there?

Whatever you are looking for.

Is it?   

It is impossible.  All of it.  

It's too much, this mess, and when I feel like I have no sense of control over my situation, I start to shut down.  

I hate this part. This part of getting dirty and messy and covered in Cheerios and a decomposing life and G-dam GLITTER!

So here I sit; it's week three all over again. The week in the adult day treatment program where you realize you are so much more broken than you thought.  

The part where you realize that this mess in front of you  IS YOU.

So you have the choice. 

Face it....

or

Walk away....

Today, I did my daily practice of opening my eyes when I woke up, closing them again and just asking, where am I today in my energy, I realized I am into my reserves. 

Today is a day to receive.  All this mess...all this work ahead of me....I can do...I know I can...but I need to get to a place where I have the energy to start the clean up process.  

I will see my naturopath today.  I will have a massage.  I will be happy I am home to pick up Youngest after his ball hockey try outs after school.  I will receive divine love and spirit from the universe today---and go outside to accept nature's blessing.  I will fill my chalice....

The mess isn't going anywhere.....

... neither am I.