From Hurt to Healing

"What day is it? I can't seem to hold on to days any more. It's really bothering me."

My new friend M asks, shading her eyes to squint at me as we pause beside a swollen stream on our spring walk. Trees reach out to each other above our heads, the path hugged by budding greenery, spotlights of sun dancing on the earth at our feet.

I chuckle softly.

My problem had always been the opposite. I had a firm grasp on the days.

Monday November 26, 2012 - The day I was admitted to the adult mental health ward.

Monday October 6, 2014 - Returned to work.

March 11, 2016 - The day the darkness loomed so great I left work again to save myself.

How could I have changed all the moments that led up to those days? Now that I am unemployed, what will my future days look like?

"It's my favorite day. It's today," I reply with a smile.

I can tell she is not happy with that answer.

Comments

It's All About the Here and Now

Today is a good day. I have positioned my laptop on the dining room table in a way so that I can see the bird feeders. Even through the closed doors I can hear the unique warble of the yellow finches that have recently begun to frequent my yard. This morning, cardinals-- the male brilliant in his scarlet coat and black mask -- returned, and as I watched, the male flew back and forth from the sunflower seeds to feed his mate . Watching the birds gives me great joy and so I am trying to take the time to do this each day. Were it not for this blog and how it makes me sit down and think, I can't say I would sit still long enough to do this. Taking time for myself is still a foreign concept. It is ironic that I have tried to attract birds to our pet free, quiet yard for years and the first year we have two dogs (one a squirrel/bird chasing terrier who launches hers...

There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Keeping Afloat in Darkness - When Robin Williams is Gone

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds. Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing. The boat is gone. You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything. When the darkness squeezes it is all about now. And now is nothing. It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...

There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Emotional Echos - Moments in Time

here are moments in time that define you. They are etched in your memory in a way that if you close your eyes you can see them again; feel them again. They are an emotional echo ---so strong, they leave an imprint on your soul. When I was eleven, my favorite "uncle" died suddenly, in my house, while I was off at the grandparents. He and my "aunt" came to town for a week long visit after moving away one year earlier and my parents decided to throw a grand party and invite all their old friends. My sister and I were sent to the grandparents for the weekend, and I was promised the week after we could come home and I could have "Uncle Bill" all to myself! I learned much later that early Sunday morning, my "aunt" woke up when my uncle accused her of stealing the covers. They both rolled back over and went back to sleep. Between then and 10 AM when she work up again, he had experienced a cardiac event (not his first I am sad to say) i...

There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Work In Progress

Search This Blog