One of the things my psychiatrist noted in her update to my insurance company was that I had been able to spend a few hours a day at my "desk" which seemed like a step forward.
What she failed to note was that "at desk" time could be interpreted by the insurance company as "doing something productive/can concentrate".
The reality is "at desk time" is spent doing one of two things:
Writing here. (AKA brain dump)
Flipping frantically back and forth between a series of websites in an obsessive compulsive sort of manner.
- What pets are up for adoption at the shelter now? (Oh this is how I got three dogs....)
- Any insurance requests for information? Refresh, refresh, refresh.
- Oooo look a 24 hour sale on cruises.
- Wonder if they have posted any new animals for adoption.....
- Are there vacancies at the campsite I went to last year?
- E-MAIL CHECK---nothing ok so ....FACEBOOK CHECK.
- Ohhh cute kitty video---and look at the puppies/elephants/sloths.
- Wasn't I supposed to be doing something?
- Calendar check.
- Doctor appointment on...wait where's my phone I might have a text.
- What hours is the donkey sanctuary open?
- WEATHER---OMG I almost forgot to check the weather.
- This is a new one for me, and it happens 3 or 4 times a day...jumping frantically from one thing to the next in search of some sort of distraction from having to feel what I am feeling.
Last go round while Life sat on my chest, I found I could read some, albeit slowly (my foray into Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection was a crazy exercise in patience with myself--much highlighting and many rereads) and TV was my numbing friend---the computer--pffffffff! Not so much.
This time, I can't read or watch TV. I just cannot maintain the attention span.
I get all settled in to read and then need a drink, and sunscreen and a pillow which is upstairs, oh look my bed is messy and I have an empty glass up here I will put in the dishwasher which is full of clean dishes and dammit that pots and pans cupboard needs to be better organized and 45 minutes later the ice has melted in the drink that I left in the laundry room when, distracted by the dirty dish towel I had to IMMEDIATELY wash before I forgot, I wandered down there mid pots and pans cupboard clean out to put it in the wash. (left my drink but brought something up from the freezer ---oh look, there's my book, but wait how did 3 hours go by---I need to make dinner. Maybe.
I also cannot drive---well. Since last Wed I have run two red lights, jumped the curb once and gotten lost on the way home from my doc office. Spouse has been driving me places now when he can. Everything just feels so soft and out of focus and I can't find the edges to get a firm grip.
I have been "arriving" places without knowing how I got there. So THAT'S FUN!
The newest thing since the insurance company letter is the Petit Panic (My attempt to make mini panic attacks sound sexy.)
The fight or flight chemicals fire random pulses of anxiety, flooding my body with ice water and send tingles to my fingers and toes. But with no danger in sight, I am hyper alert; doors opening, dishwasher shifting cycles, my phone; I am jarred out of my body and it takes a few moments to settle back in. The adrenaline has nowhere to go....
So I am trying to step away from all things electronic and get back to my small world deck life and garden to attempt to connect, literally, with the world and realign my physical energy. Weird, as it came so naturally last time---finding peace in nature.
I will follow my doctor's advice though. Step away. Spend time outdoors. Spend time with myself; peeking behind the locked door that is my heart and soul to see how I can find ways to soothe and nurture them.
Time to find out what they need......