Skip to main content

Driving Myself Crazy but Not Knowing How I Got There??

One of the things my psychiatrist noted in her update to my insurance company was that I had been able to spend a few hours a day at my "desk" which seemed like a step forward.  

What she failed to note was that "at desk" time could be interpreted by the insurance company  as "doing something productive/can concentrate".  
The reality is "at desk time" is spent doing one of two things:

Writing here. (AKA brain dump)

Or

Flipping frantically back and forth between a series of websites in an obsessive compulsive sort of manner. 

  • What pets are up for adoption at the shelter now?  (Oh this is how I got three dogs....)
  • Any insurance requests for information?  Refresh, refresh, refresh.
  • Oooo look a 24 hour sale on cruises.
  • Wonder if they have posted any new animals for adoption.....
  • Are there vacancies at the campsite I went to last year?
  • E-MAIL CHECK---nothing ok so ....FACEBOOK CHECK.
  • Ohhh cute kitty video---and look at the puppies/elephants/sloths.  
  • Wasn't I supposed to be doing something?
  • Calendar check.
  • Doctor appointment on...wait where's my phone I might have a text.  
  • What hours is the donkey sanctuary open?  
  • WEATHER---OMG I almost forgot to check the weather.

  • This is a new one for me, and it happens 3 or 4 times a day...jumping frantically from one thing to the next in search of some sort of distraction from having to feel what I am feeling.

Last go round while Life sat on my chest, I found I could read some, albeit slowly (my foray into Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection was a crazy exercise in patience with myself--much highlighting and many rereads) and TV was my numbing friend---the computer--pffffffff!  Not so much.

This time, I can't read or watch TV.  I just cannot maintain the attention span.  

I get all settled in to read and then need a drink, and sunscreen and a pillow which is upstairs, oh look my bed is messy and I have an empty glass up here I will put in the dishwasher which is full of clean dishes and dammit that pots and pans cupboard needs to be better organized and 45 minutes later the ice has melted in the drink that I left in the laundry room when, distracted by the dirty dish towel I had to IMMEDIATELY wash before I forgot, I wandered down there mid pots and pans cupboard clean out to put it in the wash. (left my drink but brought something up from the freezer ---oh look, there's my book, but wait how did 3 hours go by---I need to make dinner.  Maybe.  


I also cannot drive---well.  Since last Wed I have run two red lights, jumped the curb once and gotten lost on the way home from my doc office.  Spouse has been driving me places now when he can.  Everything just feels so soft and out of focus and I can't find the edges to get a firm grip.   

I have been "arriving" places without knowing how I got there.  So THAT'S FUN!

The newest thing since the insurance company letter is the Petit Panic (My attempt to make mini panic attacks sound sexy.)  

The fight or flight chemicals fire random pulses of anxiety, flooding my body with ice water and  send tingles to my fingers and toes.   But with no danger in sight,  I am hyper alert; doors opening, dishwasher shifting cycles, my phone; I am jarred out of my body and it takes a few moments to settle back in.  The adrenaline has nowhere to go....

So I am trying to step away from all things electronic and get back to my small world deck life and garden to attempt to connect, literally, with the world and realign my physical energy.   Weird, as it came so naturally last time---finding peace in nature.

I will follow my doctor's advice though. Step away.  Spend time outdoors. Spend time with myself; peeking behind the locked door that is my heart and soul to see how I can find ways to soothe and nurture them.  

Time to find out what they need......


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Lesson's From Frozen and Taylor Swift

"Let it go....let it go...." and "Shake it off...shake it off."
I alternate between these two borrowed mantra for this time--- when the world seems too loud and bright. Even my clothes touching my skin is too much.  I yank off my sweater, and hop step out of my pants while walking upstairs to my room after work, finally able to breath once the edges of sleeves, cowls of turtlenecks and waistbands of tights no longer feel like burning, scratching sun burn.   
My skin feels too tight as I try to keep myself together in this package that is required to carry out my daily tasks.  
"This is not my circus. These are not my monkeys."
"Your lack of planning is not my emergency."
It is far too easy to get caught up in the drama of things that are so divisive---as you try to separate yourself by thinking it is not your problem or it is not my fault or I am better than this or I don't need anyone - when we should be connecting to each other in a supportive …