Skip to main content

Damn You Insightful Talk Doc!

This week I had an appointment with Talk Doc, my therapist/psychologist.

All this research about personality types and radical acceptance had me feeling purrrr---it----tteeeee goood and even as I drove to her office I was thinking: 

 What will we talk about?  

The last time I had seen her was early March, feeling like a wet dog, soaked in self-doubt, dripping fear and self-loathing about my inability to manage my new job role after the IT manager quit and I needed to pick up his tasks. She assured me I was NOT crazy and that the expectations work had set were indeed, unrealistic.  

It had been two months since then, so I caught her up. 

The first two weeks I cocooned and watched a lot of TV.  Then.....

...I bought a new van,  painted  and redecorated almost all the rooms in our house, (built a LOT of IKEA furniture), refinished our deck, donated two dozen bags of clothes and misc 'crap' to local charities----emptied, fixed, painted and refilled our shed----painted all the outdoor furniture, bought a new van, started and abandoned three online courses, researched several vacation possibilities, GONE on two short vacations and one baseball tournament weekend away, searched for new jobs and volunteering opportunities, dyed my hair blond, seen my naturopath a few times, had acupuncture, had massage therapy, gave up yoga and morning meditation, got up early every day and researched for and wrote a dozen blog posts and spent quite a bit of money.



I was busy!
I was tackling self-discovery!
I was productive!
I was valuable!
I was talking REALLY REALLY FAST.....!!!!!!

Waaaaaiiiit a minute.  

Was I reading? 
No...I can't focus that long. I keep jumping up to do stuff.

Was I eating well?
Sure!  Lots of green smoothies---no time to cook!

Doing Reiki?
Yup! Only a bit.....I get distracted.

Yoga?
Quickly--in the shower---sometimes.

On the Internet?
Yes---all day on and off throughout the day...and night....looking for travel deals, checking emails, looking at the pound just to see what animals are there, stalking Facebook....but mostly looking at places to travel!

Where do you want to go?
Doesn't matter really--just away--to see cool things and do fun things and live life!

Do you have to go away to do that?
.........mmmmmmm.....no?

Can you do cool fun things here?
...i guess...

So why do you want to go away?
....it's away...(shrug).  There is no laundry "away" and no cooking or dogs or painting or pressure to do and be things.

Ok.  So at home you are too busy.
Yes.

And you like to go away to be busy doing fun things.
Yes......

So when do you slow down?
I don't...really.

Why not?

WOOoOOSHHHH!



...slowing down is scary.... 

What is scary about it?
What if I crash?  What if I lose control of it all?  

What I hear you saying is that you are scared if you slow down you will lose control.....control of what?
..me.....  I will crash and be a mess....I can't be a mess....I can't do that again....I can't...

Why not?
(silence)

Here's what I think K....

Your job was soooo busy before you left.  Crazy busy!   And you were running at super speed to answer emails and phone calls and attend meetings and juggle two roles.  I think, K, you still are on the treadmill.  I don't think you have stopped.  You are still on super fast forward, the adrenalin rush feels so much better than having to feel all the feelings that come with you choosing to step away from work before it broke you this time.  

You are busy and doing things and it feels good to be in control, so you keep doing...instead of just being.

WOOooOOOSHHHH!  

........damn.....

I have been so busy burying myself in busy-ness and intellect and research and logic and physical work ....

When I first left work I felt lost and defeated; confused and sooooooooo disinterested in everything.  

That SUCKED! 

There was no tomorrow to be better. There was just the fuckshittery of today...

A never ending avalanche of fuckshittery......and I let myself get buried in it.




And then I didn't.  

Not one to live in the half-way----I suddenly found myself looking around my house and feeling totally dissatisfied with what it looked like---agitated, unable to sit still---like a veil had been lifted and I suddenly saw all the CRAP of my house, followed up with a body slam of guilt for living that way for so long.

Who wants to feel that?  

So I started to dig out from the fuckshittery and clear some space. 

It felt good.  Fixing the outside world felt great actually.

I could see the results.
I could feel the results in my tired and sore body and brain.  
Tired body and brain meant no thinking.
No thinking meant just more doing.

Holy circle of alternative fuckshittery!

Dr. B, my psychiatrist has prescribed me some "helper" medication (I am painfully reminded of "helper dog" acquired to help "simple dog" of Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half fame....a book that includes not only the best way to describe depression, but the most hilariously painful self-exploration EVER written....love her for sharing herself with the world....).



It is supposed to help with my fast talking wave of mania that Talk Doc and I have just started to poke at---which is sure to draw out some unexpected results...like the book.

Go read it...right now.  

I'll wait.....















"



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Lesson's From Frozen and Taylor Swift

"Let it go....let it go...." and "Shake it off...shake it off."
I alternate between these two borrowed mantra for this time--- when the world seems too loud and bright. Even my clothes touching my skin is too much.  I yank off my sweater, and hop step out of my pants while walking upstairs to my room after work, finally able to breath once the edges of sleeves, cowls of turtlenecks and waistbands of tights no longer feel like burning, scratching sun burn.   
My skin feels too tight as I try to keep myself together in this package that is required to carry out my daily tasks.  
"This is not my circus. These are not my monkeys."
"Your lack of planning is not my emergency."
It is far too easy to get caught up in the drama of things that are so divisive---as you try to separate yourself by thinking it is not your problem or it is not my fault or I am better than this or I don't need anyone - when we should be connecting to each other in a supportive …