I want to believe every word my mental health care team says. My psychiatrist, my naturopath, my psychologist, my family doctor..... The problem is, it sometimes feels like they are all saying different things.
The thing is, I want someone, ANYONE, to tell me what is the next right thing to do so I can be happy. That is all I want.
Some say I am a victim, or acting the victim and letting things happen TO me and my depression is caused by working hard without what I perceive to be "the right" recognition, having no control over what happens to me at work or home and having a very strong set of values that beliefs that if defied, will erupt into righteous indignation and judgement. Typical Type A burnout ...sounds about right.
Some say what is happening to me is that I have been asked to take on too much and in my normal form to not disappoint anyone, I have accepted it. It is unrealistic to expect I can step into a job where there were two managers, and now there is just me and I don't have the skill set that gives me any sense of confidence. I have fallen into old patterns of not setting boundaries and setting unrealistic expectations of myself and others; the weight of responsibility making it hard to breath and so shutting me down completely.
Some say if I continue to see things in a way that I feel they should be instead of the way they are, it won't matter what I do or where I work. This is will be a constant in my life. My passion lies elsewhere. My soul needs to be fed through connections that allow me to grow through building relationships with others.
They all say some or all of these things---at different times---and it is hard to listen because my ear is poised for "the answer".
Right, right, yeah--um hum--- sounds like me. Yadda Yadda ----how do I fix it??
Write me a prescription, wave your magic wand, send me to a retreat---justsomething to dull the dentist drill/nails-on-chalkboard-flashbulb-sandblast on sunburn existence.
I watch so many wander through life --either oblivious or numb or blissful in their ignorance.
The thing is, I want someone, ANYONE, to tell me what is the next right thing to do so I can be happy. That is all I want. Happiness and a sense of peace. Ok wait, I changed my mind. Happiness suddenly sounds wildly unrealistic. Who can be "happy" all the time. If you are "happy" all the time---how do you know? Happy is only happy in relation to "not happy".
That sounds more realistic? Peaceful. So in that case, have a sense of peace regardless of the circumstances. After all, everything can't be all good and everything can't be all bad. So find a way to feel peaceful with what is.
Sounds a little like Buddhism - so I had to go look this up - Dukkha.