Being back at work has cut into my time with my Sista Perfectionista. Funny how going to work eight hours a day does that; cuts into "life".
We saw each other just before Christmas but in January, when I was finally back to full time hours, five days a week....our regular weekday visits evaporated. For weeks, Sista sent e-mails filled with "I MISS YOU" and "I NEED to see you!".
At first I echoed this need, she had been such an important part of my recovery, I didn't want to slip back into the isolated life I had been living before my crash. I called her from work on my lunch.....we texted fequently.....and much like a treasured toy or blanket, reaching out and having someone grab your hand, kept me anchored as I spun and whirrled though work and moming and keeping sometime for myself.
Slowly though, as things continued to change---work in a constant shuffle of personnel, Middle child moving in with us, the Spouse working so much he spent the few hours he was home sleeping or sick---I felt myself withdrawing into myself.
Sista's e-mails and texts sat for a day or two, read but unanswered and trying to find a way to connect in person felt like just another ball tossed into my juggling act that I didn't want to catch. And it wasn't just her.
L, who I met at the hospital program, has such a great, big, heart----five kids, doing the right thing by them, even though it is hard. So many times, the right thing is not the easy thing. Each time we planned to get together I would cancel at the last minute. I felt myself retreating inward.
I started to get worried. Why, when I knew what was good for me, this connection with others, was a sabotaging it? I didn't know what was going on. I mean I saw it...I saw it all happening...but I couldn't stop it.
So I talked about it.
I wrote L a long e-mail about how, for some reason, I was stuck....and I didn't know why. And I loved her and I wanted to see her, but at the same time, I didn't want to see anyone. If I could snap my fingers and she could be at my house --I would do that--so long as I could snap my fingers and make her disappear as well.
I told her it sounded horrible and that it made me feel guilty and like a bad friend, but it was how I felt and clearly I didn't know what to do with those feeling so I decided to just see noone because I just felt there were too many things to feel with work and life and home and I had no more room for feelings.
I hit send.
Within a few minutes she responded.
"LOL! Oh my darling---I know you---I see you---I am you and you are me and so I get what you are saying. I am here. I am always here. You are taking big steps right now and you are tired. I GET IT! "
I read her response over and over...and in it felt the love and acceptance of someone who gets it; someone so different from me that we never would have met were it not for the day program at the hospital. I am constantly amazed at the lessons the universe sends me.
My next step was to reach out to Sista.....