Navigating a New Year Plus One

It is Sunday morning and my house is full of boys. They are all sleeping. 46,19,15,10.....

Soon it will be a noisy kitchen when they all get up and the dozen eggs, package of sausage, a loaf of bread, waffles and all the bananas are one in one fell swoop. I will continue to be challenged with altering my shopping habits for when everyone is home!

Two of my three fur babies are curled up on the couch beside me...one in her bed nearby snuggled with a teddy. I am the only one awake and am enjoying the peace while it lasts,

The Middle One will be joining us in January. Five months shy of his 16th birthday, he has decided to move it with us. And things will change again, as they always do. More hands, more help, more food, more work for all of us as we define the boundaries of daily living that are not present on weekend visits or summer holidays.

A good thing? A bad thing? It just is, and how we navigate the newness will give us good days and bad---just like with everyone else in any family.

I have wonderful plans for 2015. And like last year, January will be my dreaming month.

Last year, January gave me: Feel, Brave, Trust, Flow, Receive. These were the themes that spoke to me ---some appearing during reading, meditation, watching TV, and they served me well.

Returning to work after my "collapse" in late 2012 brought them all together in one act, and my understanding that there is no "done"...no "fixed"....no "now I can go back to living blindly and on automatic pilot" is firmly in place. I no longer hear the tick-tock-hurry-up-and-fix-it clock.

I am, and always will be:

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Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones. The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet. I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection. Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick It is hard work. And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball. CATCH THIS ONE! Oooooooof! I am down. Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeh

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Dr. Dr.

When we moved to Brampton I needed to find a family doctor---at 37--not married--two weeks into a new job in a different city--sleeping on an air mattress on the floor while my partner and son were wrapping things up in our London condo where they were still living---I found myself pregant . I went online and found a website that provided the names of doctors in various parts of Ontario who were accepting patients. Of the few names listed I was immediately attracted to one. Dr. Patricia Francis--a woman --who had studied in Ireland. This to me was a sign. I am of Irish background and if you know Brampton at all you will know that finding her seems like a bit of the luck o' the Irish. I was escorted into a room where a lovely coffee skinned, well dressed woman with a gorgeous South African accent I couldn't place asked the reason for my visit. I told her I needed to speak to the doctor about a bit of a crisis. Her eyes popped open as she sat down putting one hand on m

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Asking for Help

My oldest son walked into the kitchen last night while I was drying the pot I had just used to make marshmallow squares. He leaned against the wall, eyes downcast, unfocused and spoke in a soft voice: "Mom. Tomorrow. Just so you know. Something has happened and I cannot remember a SINGLE thing about ANY of the stuff that will be on the exam. So. Just so you aren't expecting anything. I am going to fail the exam. Probably need summer school. Will have to quit my job. Will get my university offer rescinded. But it is probably too late for summer school so. It is just all over." I put down the pot and gave him a hug. (no hug back) I told him it was fine. He was fine. He remembered stuff--he had an 87 going into the exam! You can't have marks like that if you don't remember stuff?! Right? I could see the tears forming in his eyes. He still wouldn't look at me. "Ok. Get your jacket we are going for a walk. Your brain is in overload a

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Work In Progress

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