After months of sorting out the details, a return to work date was set. I had a month.
That sounds like a long time. If you work full time right now and someone said you had a month off work it would feel like forever and you would probably howl with delight, fist pumping your way around the office. Having been off work for almost two years, a month felt like a moment away.
Twelve trips to the gym, four weekends, only a few more chances to spend the day with Sista....how could I possibly get everything done that I wanted to do before I went back?
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
A grinding of gears heralded the resumption of the countdown clock that
overshadowed my eight week adult day treatment program. A deadline....a deadly line.... slipping through my fingers as I desperately grasped at each lesson, at each session because I only had 40 days to be "fixed", become capable, balanced, competent and whole.
Only the tick-tock was my heart...pounding with the realization that the fence was down and the "big world" countdown clock was blazing in red neon. Time was up. No more stalling. Sh*t or get off the pot time.
My first inclination was to e-mail everyone I knew and tell them of my panic. Those who I went through ADTP and MAG would "get it". So I posted:
"I have a return to work date....woah..." and waited.
A few hours later I noticed that someone had commented on my post. Eager to unload my panic I clicked through to Facebook and saw:
"You got this!" from CG....and
"Awesome! Good Stuff!" from DP.
Woah.....a rush of energy flooded my body. I read the messages again.
I was expecting "OMG --how are you feeling?" and was prepared to launch into a lengthy diatribe of worry and stress and uncertainty--because that was my go to.
It was like walking into a closed glass patio door...KA-Pow!! Stopped in my tracks! Someone thought I was capable...someone thought I was strong...and someone thought going back to work was good and me actually going was good
Einstein said something like: "the definition of insanity is doing things the same way over and over and expecting different results." So maybe I needed to see this return to work in a different way.
Maybe it was a good thing?
One more step back.
Maybe it was neither good or bad...it just was. I was going back to work. Feel. Be brave. Go with the flow. Trust. Receive this support and love and belief from others.
So I stopped talking about it. If someone in my family asked, I told them I had a date. If they asked how I felt I told them that right now I felt fine about it. If they asked if I was stressed or worried I responded with --well, it hasn't happened yet so I want to enjoy the time I have left. No sense worrying about it now. I don't like to forecast the future. It will be here soon enough and I will see then.
And it didn't take anything to believe what I was saying. Ok, not true...it took two people, the time it took them to type three words each, which might have meant nothing to them but made an entire world of difference to me. Never under estimate the power of reaching out to someone and saying I see you, I believe in you, you got this!
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