Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Spring Has Sprung...and So Have I

I feel like we flipped from winter to summer and skipped spring all together. Everything is suddenly green, I have mowed the lawn twice and all I want to do is get my hands into the earth and start planting things.  Each day, I "tour" my small backyard garden to evaluate the new appearances and there seems so much to do to get ready.  

I can't help but to make comparisons to my life.  I have gone from "on long term disability" to someone waiting for the rehabilitation specialist to call (which I thought, would be quite quickly after receiving his e-mail that he would call....) to get started back to work.  Again, I feel like there is a lot of work to do!  

Three times a week I Body Flow and Zumba my way away from the evil scale numbers; not yet where I would like to be; the summer before last's capri pants remain unbuttonable.  Combined with cutting out wheat and sugar for over a month, I was able to edge away from the number on the scale I had not seen since I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest.  It is not the number that counts though---it is whether I can breath in my pants.  

The scale may say one thing but I also know I am stronger.  I am more flexible.  I am more in tune with my body and I love the way I feel when I am focused on movement---on me---on the moment.
I keep telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat.  If I can just get off the Lyrica.....

The red dress may be a dream still.  But that is ok.

In group therapy, so many people talked about wanting to go back to who they were before "this" happened.  The thought of going back to that Perfectionist/Doing Addict/Comparison Queen/ Achievement Junkie/Superwoman placed brick after brick on my chest.

"That is the last thing I want.  I don't want things to go back the way they were. That is what got me here.  I want to be something else--someone else--someone better.  If I go back to who I was, I will just end up here again."

Somewhere along the line, I have disconnected my body and mind.  I would like to have the outside restored to original, with a newer, more efficient operating system installed.  Hmmmm....

Time to flip the scrip on my thinking!  If I continue to work on being a better me on the inside; eating well, exercising, getting rest, meditating, being mindful; what you see on the outside will be a reflection of that and THAT should be enough.  

It is the one place my Comparison Queen insidiously inserts slithers up to my shoulder, released from my self-conscious by my doubt, and identifies in whispers, where I come up short. She prefaces each judgement by saving it is for my own good. She doesn't want me to feel "less", get hurt, be rejected, feel unloved and worthless---and I won't---if I can perfectly juggle it all and look amazing do it.

It is time to get into session 9 of Inner Mean Girl Reform School and go toe to toe with my Comparison Queen.  If I can find a way to redeploy her as an ally....

Work in Progress.....

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