Week 1 to 7 of Inner Mean Girl Reform School (IMGRS) focused a lot on identifying the inner critics whose running dialogue keep me small, quiet, angry, disconnected, anxious, depressed and exhausted.
My Inner Mean Girls include:
a perfectionist:who constantly whispers --you're not good enough--at anything--ever--start over or don't even try it!
a superwoman: who takes on too many things and berates me for all the things I didn't do and forgets all the things I did accomplish
a comparison queen: who tells me I fall short of everyone's expectations or conversely, that I am better than everyone and they are idiots
a doing addict: who runs from task to task--growing a list that can never be accomplished--and that keeps me distracted and frantic and exhausted and unavailable
an achievement junkie (close cousin to the doing addict): who sets innumerable goals for me to reach and when I do, blasts past that one to the next, without recognizing the accomplishment or enjoying the sense of a job well done
What emerged on paper when I had to draw my Inner Mean Girls surprised me. First of all, I haven't drawn in years, so I expected it to be challenging--especially given that the five of them would be judging me as I tried--laughing even at the thought that I could capture them on paper.
This is Yolanda -- the embodiment of my Inner Mean Girls. She has rulers to
We've been spending a lot of time together and I actually really like her.
In week nine, I get to sit down with her and redeploy her, flipping the script on the negative chatter and using her powers for good, and not evil!
In week nine, I get to sit down with her and redeploy her, flipping the script on the negative chatter and using her powers for good, and not evil!
To help in that process, week 8 was all about meeting my inner Super Heroine. To be honest, I didn't think I had one and kept fussing; getting another coffee, adjusting the computer, putting on a jacket, checking my e-mail---anything to face that fact that I just didn't think I had a SuperHeroine.
Sure, I had been spending time chatting with my Inner Wisdom....she knows the real truth; operating as a counterbalance to Yolanda's scowling skepticism. But I had never really been able to visualize her in the form of a SuperHeroine. What if I didn't have one?
As I listened to the online class with Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers, I only felt worse. They were so excited about step 8.....Yolanda had her yard stick out and was finding me WAY short of measuring up to this one!
But Christine and Amy have been there for this whole process and had never let me down. So when they started a visualization to introduce me to my Inner Wisdom, my Inner SuperHeroine, I surrendered to the meditation, remembering my words: feel, brave, trust, flow and receive. What happened next was amazing!
The visualization took me up to the stars where I connected to a blue light that promised to deliver me to the place my Inner SuperHeroine lived, with the assurance that I could connect to her anytime I wanted.
As I descended, a coastline came into view; crystalline blue waters lapping an endless beach of white sand. As the sun played on the water, I landed, enveloped in love and peace.
My breathing matched the flow of the tide, soft and gentle against the warm sand. The fresh ocean breeze danced lightly over my skin. The pink-purple sky suggested dawn, or dusk, it was hard to tell. As I turned, I saw a small hut, constructed on poles about a foot off the ground.
A thatched window, open to the breeze, sent shell wind chimes dancing delicately against each other. Warmth flowed from inside and drew me toward the closed door.
The door opened before I got there and I was greeted by a copper skinned woman with long dark hair. Her liquid skirt undulated around her, showing off her fit body, as she moved to beckon me inside with a warm, knowing smile. She had been waiting for me. Her smile said it all. She had always been there, quietly waiting and watching, until I was ready.
Inside was warm and simply furnished. A fire burned in a black corner fireplace, representing her passion, her fire for life. We sat by the window, engulfed by the wicker sofa's pillow clouds. I could see the ocean. Her warm brown eyes observed me over the edge of a light blue mug as she sipped the warm, steamy liquid inside; the corner of her mouth turning up ever so slightly.
My name is Malaika/Malayka. I have been waiting for you. She smiled and sipped.
I had a million questions. I started with: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???
I have been here all along. You were just not ready to see me or hear me...and by me I mean your true self. My superpower statement you already know! Where do you think those power words came from? Feel, Brave, Trust, Flow, Receive. I snuck them in there when you were meditating. Who do you think sent them to you? she sipped and smiled.
Now that you are here, I want to offer you the three superpowers that I have. They are at your disposal: Unconditional Love, Strength and Fluidity. Strength and fluidity might sound like opposites but they are not. Sometimes you need strength to let go of something, to try something new, to flip the script in your head while in a moment of change. You will fall. You will fail. You will soar. You will succeed. In all cases, I love you...unconditionally!
I am sure I was sitting with my mouth open.
Then she handed me her mug. It was blue---robin's egg blue and when I considered what it meant, for a moment, I came up blank. My Sista Perfectionista and I drink coffee and tea together? Maybe I am being reminded to do more of that? Wait...I get it now. The mug is nourishment. She sips continually. I need to continue to nourish my heart, my body and my soul! Yes! Yes! Yes! My Sista Perfectionista is part of that and so is the gym and my writing and meditation and Reiki!
I am here...always...all you have to do is bring your mug. It connects you to the blue light that brought you here. Fill the mug, find a quiet moment and sip. Look across the top and I will be there.
We sat and sipped. I felt blissful.
When I left, I took my mug. I looked back. The door was closed but the light within was shining brightly through the window. I rode the blue light back to the present me, sitting at my computer.
I grabbed my sketch pad and started to draw. Out came Malaika (I looked it up and it means angel--how cool is that???!!!)
So here she is. I feel a deep connection to her and look forward to many, MANY visits. We have so much more to talk about!
Thank you Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers! xoxoxo
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