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Craving Change

 My fingers have been itching to create.

Last week I completed my first afghan, and now, without a project, I find myself scanning my house, wanting!

Suddenly, I want to paint, move all the furniture, replace the carpet in the basement, change everyone's bedroom around and yes, even replace the kitchen sink.

It is a nagging itch and I have been leaning into to the discomfort---sitting with it--to see if I could find a remedy, or at least better understand where it is coming from.

Is it spring cleaning fever?

Since we are still buried in snow and ice and suffering through -30 wind chills, I don't think that is is (or maybe it is---willing spring to come?)

Building on the spring cleaning fever---could it be cabin fever. Am I spending too much time at home looking at the walls?  If I was working, would I even care?

I was postulating these hypotheses with my Sista Perfectionista yesterday:

"I don't know what it is!  I am trying to figure out if it is a distraction technique--keeping me from thinking about returning to work.....or just too much energy....I just want to change everything!"

She smiled knowingly. (Ok it was over the phone, but I know she smiled)

"It makes total sense.  You have changed.  You are a brand new you and it makes sense that with a new you, you want to reflect your inner changes in your environment!"

Hmmm...that rang true.  Following my Inner Mean Girl Reform School curriculum had built an alter in my room filled with things that had meaning to me.   I had put up twinkle lights over the bed that case a cozy glow to read by at night (much to the dismay of The Spouse). I had made my bedroom a reflection of who I was becoming.

She went on, "You can't SEE the changes in you...your house looks the same.  It reflects a you that no longer exists and you want to SEE the changes you have made reflected all around you!"

As she talked, I could feel my Inner Wisdom nodding along, smiling as she put my Inner Mean Girls in place who had been nattering in my ear about what was WRONG with my house and criticizing me for not doing anything about it.  The Doing Addict and Achievement Junkie had to take a seat in the back row now and listen.

"So that is why I want to move the furniture and stuff?"

"Yes--it totally makes sense. What you are feeling totally makes sense."

Validation.  I was not going crazy or torturing myself waiting for spring, or distracting myself from the stress of returingn to work. Validation of your feelings is a precious thing.

So now my Inner Wisdom has set my Doing Addict  to the task of coming up with an list of things that I would like to accomplish by the end of 2014.  Giving my Achievement Junkie a long timeline lets her relax a bit but allows us all to focus on a goal, but the panic to do it NOW is gone.

I am happy.  I look forward to the changes, both big and small I will accomplish to make my home reflect some of the wonderful things I have accomplished.  I want to bring in more comfort, more joy and more love and am excited to begin the process of figuring out what that will look like!

I am most blessed with having a Sista Perfectionista to see things I can't and who sees me, knows me and loves me!



  1. Such a great post and it rings true for me. Was having a similar confab with self the last couple days not about changing the house around..that's a given. But about sharing or not sharing the blog on Facebook, what that means and so forth...ayayay! I love your thoughts, the photos and it does make perfect sense. Bravo!

    1. Jill, you are working so hard! And working through so many hard things. Each time you make yourself vulnerable you peel back another layer to get closer to your core. It is life altering work and not the easy path at all. Being real---being you---out there for everyone to see is a difficult choice. You open yourself up to the world and hope they are gentle. While there is always a risk of being hurt--there is also the opportunity to touch one person's life in a way only someone who has been there can. They will not be alone..and neither will you! Much love as you work through whatever you decide! (you will notice I blog under another name--and like Brene Brown says, it is important to trust your story with those who have earned the right to read it. So at first, I provided the URL only to people who I have travelled this road with....then family...then some friends...but I have kept my work colleagues out of the loop....I hope. Will I be strong enough to one day say--this is me--all of me and I don't care who knows? I think I am getting there......much love! K


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