Kali - Fear (There is nothing to fear but fear itself...)

While I have a scheduled appointment to see my therapist, the email from the insurance company wanting a status update always throws me for a loop and I take a day or two to catch my breath.  There is still much I have to deal with surrounding return to work.

Just the other day, when I was using my Goddess cards, the Goddess Kali dropped at my feet.  FEAR.  Kali had literally flipped out of the deck and landed face up at my feet while I held the other cards in my hands.  Once I read what she was all about in the book that accompanies the card, I tried the visualization----climbing a hilly path to a plane of vision where I meet Kali, see what I need to see, give her a gift and return.  I didn't get a lot from the visualization at the time, but that night I dreamed horrible dreams about being judged and feeling ashamed, about people wanting me to fail, about being unable to find things and stay organized.  I felt awful when I woke up, probably because it had all seemed so real.

The thing with fear and shame is they thrive in a perfectionist life myself.  Perfectionists strive for an unattainable thing---to be perceived by others as having it all together.  Sounds nice eh?  The impossible part is that we cannot control other people's perceptions.  So when I return to work and put my perfectly imperfect self out there, back in a situation that contributed to my breakdown I have to acknowledge my fears and name my shame.  

Shame and fear hate to have words put around them. They like to hide in the darkness.  By not talking about them they become toxic; dripping hypnotic lies in our ears:  

You can't do it! Everyone knows you are a failure; weak... ! Hustle, dance, bob weave.....hustle for your worth because you are not worth anything just by being you.

Instead, I have to acknowledge my fear.  Fear that people will not like the new me. Fear that I will slip into old superwoman-let-me-do-it-cuz-I-am-the-only-person-who-can patterns because it will be expected, and I need to prove that I am not broken. Fear that people will avoid me because they won't know what to say and will feel sorry for me.

Setting boundaries will be my challenge at a time when I will most feel I need to demonstrate my worth, my strength, my ability to conquer, carry on, be successful, lead, that I have value.  

My shame---at not being able to "handle it" ---whatever "it" is, while working and being a mom and primary care giver hovers over my head as I do a roll call of all those I know at work who make it happen and still show up for work. I forget they have divorces, bankruptcies, spouses who work part-time, kids who are grown, and any number of things I just don't see.  

I love my life.  I love the things I have discovered and I am blessed to have this time. Carrying this into work ---finding a type of balance I can thrive in---all these things lie ahead.  But I can do it.  I have done so much already.

Naming my fear.  Shining a light on my shame.  Sharing my stories.  Fear and shame shrivel in these conditions.  The only way I can do this hard work is to be vulnerable and share my stories--my fear ---my shame-- with someone who has earned the right to hear them.  

My Sista Perfectionista sees me. My Sista IMG students see me. You hear me.   You acknowledges me and that scares the shit out of my shame and fear because you want to pull them into the light; take a good look at them with me. We talk, we share stories, we connect and fear and shame fade.  They have no ground to stand on.  We remove their power.  They blow away like so much dust.

So Kali is welcome in my life always.  She reminds me to embrace my fear. Name it.  Walk with it. Share it. Acknowledge it. And by doing so, reclaim my imperfectly perfect self while fear and shame fade slowly away into background.  Not gone. But powerless.