I feel like I have come a long way in my journey back to self---or more accurately, journey on to new self. About a year ago I was trying to find a comfortable way to sit on the couch as shingles like nerve pain razor through my flanks and back. About a year ago the Spouse took 9 children to a bowling alley, did cake and presents for our then 8 year old, while I was curled up in a ball crying --full of guilt, pain and hopelessness. Last year at this time exactly I was in the adult mental health ward of the local hospital---Day 1. It is a slow journey---and I have never been known for my patience, but I AM trying to let it happen as it happens.
I celebrate that I have committed to the gym--to meditation--fellowship--continued learning--time out for massage therapy and acupuncture--and reengaging a creative drive that has been sorely neglected. Simple things have come back to me---like being able to read---like being able to follow a recipe...like laughter. And I have overcome things---like social anxiety---like slowly accepting my new medication induced body shape (ok, I still have a way to go on that one).
But here is THE WALL. (If you have seen Game of Thrones you will know THE WALL. The books are fabulous, but to truly understand its scale, you need to see it on a big screen TV.) I keep looking for a secret passage through or around it but it stands before me still. I cannot avoid it. I can turn left and walk for awhile. I can turn right and walk for awhile. But if I want to move forward, I have to find some way to get over or through this wall.
It is only now, after a year of piecing myself together that I can appreciate this post by Lissa Rankin.
This part struck home:
What about when you’re trying to keep your heart open with those you work with in your professional life, but the knuckleheads in charge of the purse strings keep insisting that you sell out your integrity, seemingly with no concern for the well-being of those you’re trying to serve?
It is the big thing---the one that looms dark and silent and threatens to send me back to where I was, regardless of where I work or what I do. There is no possible way I could capture this feeling as well as she has and so I give you the link and let you decide if you can keep your own heart open when your angry.