Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Gentle Reminders are all Around Us

Have you ever tried to find something that you KNOW should be there and it just isn't?  That was me the last two days; frantically searching for my hair product container. I was SURE I used it in the bathroom.  A search and second search of each drawer and cupboard proved futile.  I was then SURE I used it in my bedroom.  I searched each surface where I could have possible set it--twice. Nothing.  

It was so frustrating because I knew it was there.  I felt like if I just searched hard enough I would be able to find it.  Finally I gave up. I felt a bit like I was loosing it---misplacing things---not being clear headed and in the moment when I used it.  Why didn't I put it back where it was supposed to be?

I started to think about the last time I felt this "crazy".  It was about 13 years ago and I was depressed, anxious, on medication and off work.  It is a similar story.  Gave too much to work--had nothing left for me. What amazes me now is that somehow, in the middle of the darkness and "I am going crazy" self talk, I found my purpose.

I knew I wanted to be a librarian.  (ok so THAT might sound crazy--LOL).  You see my first teaching post was as a teacher-librarian and I had loved helping kids with finding what they needed to do the work someone else had given them.  It was like being a detective.  Everyone was grateful.  People walked away knowing more about how to find answers to their questions.  I felt like I had saved the day.  It was win...win.

I was off work, a single mom, (with some bad spending habits), depressed and anxious, but somehow, when you find your purpose, you somehow find a way to make it happen.  I left my job, moved across the country to be near family for support, applied for loans and single mothered my five year old while going to school full-time to achieve my goal.  It was hard....but the passion it ignited in me gave me purpose and strength and so nothing felt impossible.

Last night before bed, I listened to the first of my 21 day meditations delivered to my inbox.  The theme was finding your purpose and again, I longed for someone to tell me the magic place to look, the secret door to open, the one person to ask.  

The message, however, was much like others. Full of promise---poor on delivery.  Apparently the harder you look, the more it eludes you. 

You must quiet yourself and it will become evident to you, and you will rejoice and feel at peace (sounds wonderful, doesn't it?)  It might be a difficult thing to understand as you may find your purpose in direct contrast to what you are currently doing or believing---and if you continue to ignore it---you will be working against what you are meant to do and therefore you will feel your life is much more difficult. Being at odds with your purpose makes each day feel like a struggle.  

I try on my purpose like clothes sometimes.  I think I want to travel the world and take pictures. Hmm let me sit with that for a bit and see what that looks like on me---how it feels---if it flatters my figure.  I think maybe my purpose is the same old comfy t-shirt ---being a librarian---just one that does a different job---somewhere else---same shirt, different color?  How does that look?  How  does that feel?

What usually happens is I end up with a pile of purposes on my bed in a heap.  Two seconds of looking at it---quick judgement ---and then off again.

As much as I want to believe I have stopped feeling that tick-tock of a clock telling me: Time to get better!  Hurry up!  Tick-tock!  Time is running out! I do still hear its voice whispering in my ear.  

"Find your purpose! What is wrong with you? You did this before! Are you missing something?  Are you so caught up in self-reflection you are missing it?" I am frustrated with this realization that I have not escaped the clock in my head.  

Going to bed after the "gratitude for your purpose" meditation, I was agitated. Not only did I feel a sense of failure at not having a grand revelation of my true purpose by now, I had not refilled my prescription for the little tiny blue pills that help me sleep. 

"Ok so don't think about the fact that you may not be able to sleep".  Ummm yah.  Don't think about pink elephants.  Now, what are you thinking about?

I flicked off the light and stumbled toward the bed.  I reached down in the darkness to turn on my fan. Instead of the switch, my fingers wrapped around the missing hair product.

I had to laugh.  It was a small, yet profound message from the universe.  It was a lesson in patience; a lesson that when you stop looking, you will find; a lesson in letting go in the dark where you have little control and making that reach----you might be surprised at what you find!

Thanks for the reminder universe.  

P.S. - My hair looks so much better now!

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