Skip to main content

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Some Signs.....

 "The Man with Two Brains" is not really my type of movie and honestly, I don't remember anything about it except this scene.

 
I feel a bit like Steve Martin's character Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr,  desperately seeking a sign  that he is doing the right thing. I also feel a bit like him in the end.  Like his character, am I willing to see them or am I blocking them or rationalizing them away, second guessing, then third guessing my second guess, then fourth guessing that and, well, you get the idea.
 
I feel good about one sign.  Being in MAG.  It is the place I need to be to get me unstuck from this place of not wanting to make any decisions.  In June, my psychiatrist and therapist both told me to "enjoy your summer with your kids!" since my oldest was heading to University in the fall and I would have my youngest and step-son for much of the summer. 
 
However, with three boys around (my step son was with us for half the summer), and the Spouse travelling for work, the summer was eaten up with preparatory activities for getting my oldest set for university, getting groceries, cleaning and laundry (man three boys eat A LOT and make a lot of dirty laundry!), baseball practice and games, taking care of the yard and house, writing, the dogs, etc.   I reserved reflective time for when I got to spend time with C and there never seemed to be enough of that. 
 
But MAG has brought me back to finding me amidst the chaos that is life.  My oldest is settled in residence and my youngest is in school from 8:30 until 6 (he has an after school program located at his school and he loves to stay and play with his buds---so I try to leave him late.  Also MAG is 2-5 during the week so I need to keep him there for now.) so the day is mine to make it what I want--and I have chosen to schedule it so that I have an observable balance between achievement and fun. It also allows my constant hamster wheel of "what ifs..." and "don't forget..." and "why didn't you..." to take a break as I know I will have set aside time for things I think are important.  Including getting back to me.
 
Two things struck me yesterday.  First I was able to recognize where I am in the "Change Process" which we looked at yesterday in MAG, which looks like this:
 
 
 
 I feel like I am stuck in the experimentation stage.  Just waffling up and down and trying things out but not moving forward on one big issue that needs a decision. Work.  Work is the big one.  And while this graph outlines the change process--as a whole--every up and down comes with its own mini version of this entire cycle. Once I understood that, I was thrilled I could recognize that there were some things I have made some decisions about that have offered me some peace and sense of wellbeing.  A radiating joy almost? So YAY for me!!!
 
I have also decided to open up one messy drawer, filled with things I don't want to look --things I am
afraid to face but-- that are a key step to helping me make a more informed choice about going back to work---so I also feel a bit better about not making that decision yet.  It is not time.  I do not have enough information.  My intuition has been holding me back and I am grateful for Guidepost #5
 
So as I try to collect more information (I trust my intuition---and it is saying--you are not ready to make this decision until you gather more information), looking for that "sign" from the universe --should I return to my workplace---give me a sign Oh Universe!  Any sign!!!!
 
The spinning picture here is the news that three more people quit this week.  Smart, thinking people I respect and liked working with....people in senior positions who know how things work (or don't work).  In the last three years I have seen upwards of 20 people walk away from my workplace.  Each had their own reason, but I know all of them were frustrated with the organization. Now I know every place you work has problems---but do I want to return to a place where so many people have mad such a mass exodus?  Is this my spinning sign? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.

The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet.
I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection.

Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick

It is hard work.

And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball.
CATCH THIS ONE!Oooooooof!I am down.

Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concepts like shame, authenticity, wholeheartedness, courage, compassion, connect…

Taking a Lesson from Work

Maybe it's because I am on this spiritual journey, or maybe it is because I have time to read blogs and cruise the web, but 2014 seems a bit obnoxious so far.  
Really IN YOUR FACE. Ok so it is not quite like this, but...... ....picture in your mind a saloon type town in the old west. 

Got it? 

Ok so now add a slick looking guy standing up on a wooden crate, surrounded by a crowd of people.  Beside the crate is a table, and on it are dozens bottles.
He clears his throat, throws out his arms, and announces:

It's a new year folks! New year.....new YOU! How would you like to tackle your SPENDING/DRINKING/SELFSABOTAGING/PROCRASTINATING/UNDEREDUCATED/OVERACHIEVING/UNORGANIZED/OVERWEIGHT/GREYINGHAIR/DULL SMILE/SMOKING/BOUNDRYSETTING/DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/EATINGDISORDER/OBSESSING/INTERNET-DEVICE ADDICTION problems....
RIGHT NOW!!!
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT? OMG you think!!! (well OMG probably wasn't around then but...)  

OMG I think I heard a few things in there that I need to fix!!!!  Actually, I KNO…

Getting to Know My Neighbor in Type B

As a self identified "Type A" behavior "enthusiast", getting to know my neighbor in "Type B" might help me get a handle on why I too often feel like I am banging my head against a wall at work.   
But before I get too far, after all, there are a bazillion "self assessment" tests out there from, "What potato chip flavor are you?" to "Which Prince outfit are you?"
In the 1950's, two cardiologists, Friedman and Rosenman used Type A and Type B as a way to describe behavioral responses associated with how male patients with heard conditions responded to stress in their waiting room.   
They observed that some of the men actually wore down the edges of the seats from sitting poised on the edges of the seat and jumping up frequently, (labelled Type A) while others were able to relax in their seats and the wear on the chairs was focused more evenly (labelled Type B).  
They went on to investigate further, testing and proving at that …