Friday, 13 September 2013

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Some Signs.....

 "The Man with Two Brains" is not really my type of movie and honestly, I don't remember anything about it except this scene.

I feel a bit like Steve Martin's character Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr,  desperately seeking a sign  that he is doing the right thing. I also feel a bit like him in the end.  Like his character, am I willing to see them or am I blocking them or rationalizing them away, second guessing, then third guessing my second guess, then fourth guessing that and, well, you get the idea.
I feel good about one sign.  Being in MAG.  It is the place I need to be to get me unstuck from this place of not wanting to make any decisions.  In June, my psychiatrist and therapist both told me to "enjoy your summer with your kids!" since my oldest was heading to University in the fall and I would have my youngest and step-son for much of the summer. 
However, with three boys around (my step son was with us for half the summer), and the Spouse travelling for work, the summer was eaten up with preparatory activities for getting my oldest set for university, getting groceries, cleaning and laundry (man three boys eat A LOT and make a lot of dirty laundry!), baseball practice and games, taking care of the yard and house, writing, the dogs, etc.   I reserved reflective time for when I got to spend time with C and there never seemed to be enough of that. 
But MAG has brought me back to finding me amidst the chaos that is life.  My oldest is settled in residence and my youngest is in school from 8:30 until 6 (he has an after school program located at his school and he loves to stay and play with his buds---so I try to leave him late.  Also MAG is 2-5 during the week so I need to keep him there for now.) so the day is mine to make it what I want--and I have chosen to schedule it so that I have an observable balance between achievement and fun. It also allows my constant hamster wheel of "what ifs..." and "don't forget..." and "why didn't you..." to take a break as I know I will have set aside time for things I think are important.  Including getting back to me.
Two things struck me yesterday.  First I was able to recognize where I am in the "Change Process" which we looked at yesterday in MAG, which looks like this:
 I feel like I am stuck in the experimentation stage.  Just waffling up and down and trying things out but not moving forward on one big issue that needs a decision. Work.  Work is the big one.  And while this graph outlines the change process--as a whole--every up and down comes with its own mini version of this entire cycle. Once I understood that, I was thrilled I could recognize that there were some things I have made some decisions about that have offered me some peace and sense of wellbeing.  A radiating joy almost? So YAY for me!!!
I have also decided to open up one messy drawer, filled with things I don't want to look --things I am
afraid to face but-- that are a key step to helping me make a more informed choice about going back to work---so I also feel a bit better about not making that decision yet.  It is not time.  I do not have enough information.  My intuition has been holding me back and I am grateful for Guidepost #5
So as I try to collect more information (I trust my intuition---and it is saying--you are not ready to make this decision until you gather more information), looking for that "sign" from the universe --should I return to my workplace---give me a sign Oh Universe!  Any sign!!!!
The spinning picture here is the news that three more people quit this week.  Smart, thinking people I respect and liked working with....people in senior positions who know how things work (or don't work).  In the last three years I have seen upwards of 20 people walk away from my workplace.  Each had their own reason, but I know all of them were frustrated with the organization. Now I know every place you work has problems---but do I want to return to a place where so many people have mad such a mass exodus?  Is this my spinning sign? 


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