Skip to main content

BLINK


I am in the waiting room at the hospital for my appointment with my psychiatrist.  I have been under her care since I was admitted to the hospital back in November.....last year.  Last year.  Last. Year.  Where has the time gone?  Where has summer gone?  BLINK!

So. Check in time.  She will ask me how I feel.  I feel like I should have a good answer.  Something insightful....or meaningful....to show my progress.

I haven't seen her in almost 2 months and so much and yet so little has happened. 

BLINK! 

These last few days I have been housebound...by choice.  Feeling like I need to be in my small world...as that is all I can handle with Oldest being off at school and the passing of my aunt.  The Spouse is on vacation so he has done baseball duty and water park duty while I have minded my small world and tried to keep breathing and not focusing on the cold feeling of my skin crawling ....or the tingly detachment I feel from my body and the big world.  

The routine of hanging laundry and tending the riot of morning glories that engulf my fence helps keep my feet planted firmly in the now...the hypnotic siren song of the dark spiral hovers just above me head threatening to suck me into its vortex if I would just look up, but I will not acknowledge it .....

Eventually it will quiet down to that soft whisper ....failure...loser....but these words no longer hold power over me the way they use to....but I still hear them all the same.

So when she asks me how I am I will tell her I don't know.  I am managing?   I look forward to the structure of coming to the mood and anxiety group at the hospital twice a week.

I do need structure.  I do.  It is how I am hardwired.  

I can certainly fill my day with things until bed but I feel like I need something more. There is work to do and I look forward to it. 

What concerns me is that I think I have been working...right? This blog is part of the work I do.  Almost 70 posts. 

BLINK. 

What am I waiting for?  What do I still need to learn...to discover...to know ..to listen to....
Have I been working hard enough on me or hiding behind the morning glories and laundry?  What is there to face still?
There is work.  

Go back.  Don't.  Try.

There is home.  Facing the gap. The Spouse....finding a way to connect. (this is a biggie)
Summer is over. 

BLINK.


All the people who were telling me to not worry about future me...just the me in the moment are now asking me to start to think about making my own future.  A 180.  BLINK!

The Doctor calls my name and I will go.
Work in progress...
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Keeping Afloat in Darkness - When Robin Williams is Gone

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds.  Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing.  The boat is gone.  You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything.  When the darkness squeezes it is all about now.  And now is nothing.  It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...
4 comments
There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Being Enough

I am grateful that the chapters in The Gifts of Imperfection are short.  Each one overflows with concepts that ask you to reach down to your very core and dig around a bit with a sharp object.  Sometimes you have to pull back and take a break.  Like at the dentist...when you have to put your hand up...they let you close your mouth for a minute....you stretch your jaw....rinse maybe.  "You ok to continue?" You lie back, take a breath, try to get comfortable, open up, look at the outline of the hand holding the drill backlit by that horrible light...and nod. Not to say it is all bad.  But this chapter on Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough made me uncomfortable in my skin.  I squinted a lot.  Really, really trying to get at what she was saying without having to feel what she is saying....which is not the purpose.  So I had to read the chapter a few times.  Then I fiddled around on Facebook and Outlook to avoid sta...
5 comments
There is more good stuff--keep reading»

Shame is A Full-Contact Emotion (Brené Brown)

It is a cool outside this morning and I have on my fluffy red robe as I sit outside and watch the birds flit back and forth from the fence to the feeder----arrogantly tossing aside imperfect sunflower seeds to get to the good ones.   The discarded seeds, some empty, some full, punctuate my deck, waiting for the squirrels, who will later claim this easy buffet. I am still reading Brené and The Gifts of Imperfection. Feels a bit like learning a new language ---I see the words---I hear the words---but the meaning is so diffuse...I need to read and reread and sometimes, even read out loud to make the words stick It is hard work.    And while the smooth cover of her book lies balanced on my palm, seemingly weightless, many of the concepts have a density that knocks me flat on my ass ---like a large medicine ball. CATCH THIS ONE!   Oooooooof!   I am down.    Eyes wide, trying to catch my breath, wrestling with the weight of hefty concept...
Post a Comment
There is more good stuff--keep reading»