Thursday, 29 August 2013

BLINK


I am in the waiting room at the hospital for my appointment with my psychiatrist.  I have been under her care since I was admitted to the hospital back in November.....last year.  Last year.  Last. Year.  Where has the time gone?  Where has summer gone?  BLINK!

So. Check in time.  She will ask me how I feel.  I feel like I should have a good answer.  Something insightful....or meaningful....to show my progress.

I haven't seen her in almost 2 months and so much and yet so little has happened. 

BLINK! 

These last few days I have been housebound...by choice.  Feeling like I need to be in my small world...as that is all I can handle with Oldest being off at school and the passing of my aunt.  The Spouse is on vacation so he has done baseball duty and water park duty while I have minded my small world and tried to keep breathing and not focusing on the cold feeling of my skin crawling ....or the tingly detachment I feel from my body and the big world.  

The routine of hanging laundry and tending the riot of morning glories that engulf my fence helps keep my feet planted firmly in the now...the hypnotic siren song of the dark spiral hovers just above me head threatening to suck me into its vortex if I would just look up, but I will not acknowledge it .....

Eventually it will quiet down to that soft whisper ....failure...loser....but these words no longer hold power over me the way they use to....but I still hear them all the same.

So when she asks me how I am I will tell her I don't know.  I am managing?   I look forward to the structure of coming to the mood and anxiety group at the hospital twice a week.

I do need structure.  I do.  It is how I am hardwired.  

I can certainly fill my day with things until bed but I feel like I need something more. There is work to do and I look forward to it. 

What concerns me is that I think I have been working...right? This blog is part of the work I do.  Almost 70 posts. 

BLINK. 

What am I waiting for?  What do I still need to learn...to discover...to know ..to listen to....
Have I been working hard enough on me or hiding behind the morning glories and laundry?  What is there to face still?
There is work.  

Go back.  Don't.  Try.

There is home.  Facing the gap. The Spouse....finding a way to connect. (this is a biggie)
Summer is over. 

BLINK.


All the people who were telling me to not worry about future me...just the me in the moment are now asking me to start to think about making my own future.  A 180.  BLINK!

The Doctor calls my name and I will go.
Work in progress...

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