Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Surrendering to the Snooze


Hello Blog!   A life raft in a sea of swirling thoughts and feelings and emotions--I have missed you.

I often don't write on a weekend. but with school out and the kids home, time started to blur a bit more than it already has. Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays only mean something when there is work to drive to or pizza day or exam day or project due dates.  Weekends are still unique time markers when everyone is home.  But now with the spouse travelling many weekends and the little one home all the time and the big one working full-time including some weekends...I feel like I have lost track of things and given in to the big soft numbing of bed and sleep.


I surrendered to the snooze button.  Over and over.  My oldest can get himself up and fed and off to work and the first day he did that, with no breakfast made by mom because she and the little one were flaked out sleeping---- I felt guilty.  For 2 minutes and then went back to sleep. 

Something has a hold on me.  I have so loved my writing, but giving it up has not allowed me to explore, examine, unload, rethink my headful and so maybe it has been shutting down a bit.  Whatever it is, I don't like it.  I feel numb a lot and my senses are dulled to my surroundings.  Not seeing.  Not hearing.  Not feeling.  Just doing and trying to keep up.

Dull.
Dull.
Dull.

I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that while I am off work,  my job is to take care of the kids and the house (or is it?  My therapist would say my job is to take care of me and get better....). The  Spouse often works from home, and I struggle with seeing him sitting in his shorts on the bed with his laptop when I am lugging laundry or making quiche or mowing the lawn.  I know he is working. I have done a job where 99% of your day is on the computer....it just some days feels like he is JUST SITTING THERE. 

And my oldest leaves for university in the fall.  And my youngest needs to have some moles removed from his scalp today --in the doctor's office--which will mean needles and screaming and blood and stitches---but she says it is important---and I trust her.  We are thinking of selling our house.  All that that would entail makes me want to crawl under the covers and stay there...but the thought of moving somewhere else---starting over---closer to family maybe---is kind of exciting.  We came here because of my job....which I still have but which is not currently being done by me so......  But that all feels too big and too soon--so we have decided to wait.  And I am getting sick again.  And it scares me. Is the stress causing my immune system to crash?  Is the fact that I haven't been to the gym for months finished both dance and tai chi classes and not signed up for more since there is no one to watch my the little one having and impact? 

I think if I can get back to going to bed early---actually sleeping (which is not happening and should be.....weird) and getting up early to blog (p.s. That is not me blogging....sheesh..I wish! ) That will be a good start.  I will be kind to myself in that I am probably pretty overwhelmed going from having 8 hours a day to myself to reflect and read and do chores---to chasing a busy 8 year old who wants food and entertainment and mom to play catch and chores.  The paperwork involved in registering and paying and such for university is overwhelming in itself as I help my oldest. I need to be awake enough to be a useful sounding board to him--which I have not been because I am so tired at night.  It is ok. I will find me in here and pick up this new summer schedule...and in the meantime....be nice to myself.

I will be back tomorrow.

Missed you blog!  (I guess really, it means I missed ME!  Who knew!?)

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