I have a tiny closet. It might be 7 feet long? Across one half, a bar rests at eye level where I hang dresses. On the other side, two bars, one above the other, hold: pants, suits, skirts, sweaters and blazers. The closet floor holds a disarray of boots, bags and assorted hangers.
Accustomed to wearing yoga pants in the hospital, I continued that practice when I came home in December---and January --and February......all the way through the outpatient program. Occasionally I would pluck a long cardigan from the closet but mostly the doors stayed closed. I wasn't working and had nowhere to go that required nice clothes. When you have isolated yourself socially pretty much your whole life---there are no invites to weddings, parties, barbecues, baby showers, etc. so going to work then passes for social activity--so I wore fancy clothes and heels at work.
In February, 3/4 of the way through the adult day treatment program we decided to celebrate Valentines Day with a potluck. I have an fantastic red dress--Calvin Klein--that is business tailored and looks like it was made for me. Feeling like dressing up might help boost my mood, I dug into my closet, slid the dress off the hangar and slipped the dress over my head...and it got stuck.
There was no way that dress was going further.
|This is of course, not me--but this is the dress!|
Ok I thought, not a problem, I knew I gained a few pounds from Christmas and all this sitting around and the meds..... I knew Amitriptyline (Tryptomer, Elavil, Tryptizol, Laroxyl, Saroten, Sarotex, Lentizol, Endep) made me put on weight so I wasn't too surprised. I had a similar dress one size up--not quite as flattering, beige in color so I desperately grabbed that one. Surely THAT ONE would fit??? Not a chance. I started to panic and grabbed other dresses in my closet to try them on. A few of them I had had taken in last year! A few still fit--those that were rayon or cotton stretchy ones but then I looked pregnant!??!! How could I have NOT noticed this??
I quickly changed into some stretchy jeans, grabbed a turtleneck, red vest, red scarf and pronounced myself "Valentiney" enough and left for the hospital. I chucked the dresses back in the closet vowing never to open it again.
I finally found a scale at the hospital. 142 lbs. I weighed 146 when I was 9 months pregnant with my first son.....20 lbs. I had put on 20 lbs--and pretty much all around my belly and butt.
Let me just say---giving depressed people medication that makes them FAT seems contradictory to recovery don't ya think? Ok so I know the drugs can also make you hungry and I didn't really stop myself from eating some things I shouldn't have --for months-- and I also know the drugs I am on reduce anxiety and therefore slow your metabolism. But still...CON-TRA-DIC-TORY.
Earlier this month I stood in front of my closet, took a deep breath and opened the door. I grabbed each and every dress and moved them to another closet. Next I went out and bought a few things that actually fit and were comfortable. Thank you Value Village, Salvation Army and Goodwill---and those people who donate things.
The question remains...have I given up?
I actually don't mind my size when I am wearing clothes that fit. My body feels healthy --not weak and susceptible to every cold or flu. (Fun Fact--this is the first year I did not get the flu and also the first year I did not get the flu shot. And I was going to the hospital daily for months --a place where you would think the flu would be running rampant! ) But the practical side of me is screaming --"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU SPENT ON THOSE CLOTHES AND HOW GOOD THEY LOOKED ON YOUR 122lb FRAME??"
So now I have to decide what I want to do about all this. Chuck the dresses? Storage? Gym?
I am off the amitriptyline. So now I figure I have to give it a go. Back to the gym. At least give it a shot.
Yesterday I did something I don't EVER do. I bought a skirt that is too small. On purpose. It is my goal skirt. I will work hard and see what happens. I gotta try!