Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Defeated by a Little Red Dress?

I have a tiny closet.  It might be 7 feet long?  Across one half, a bar rests at eye level where I hang dresses.  On the other side, two bars, one above the other, hold: pants, suits, skirts, sweaters and blazers. The closet floor holds a disarray of  boots, bags and assorted hangers.  

Accustomed to wearing yoga pants in the hospital, I continued that practice when I came home in December---and January --and February......all the way through the outpatient program. Occasionally I would pluck a long cardigan from the closet but mostly the doors stayed closed. I wasn't working and had nowhere to go that required nice clothes.  When you have isolated yourself socially pretty much your whole life---there are no invites to weddings, parties, barbecues, baby showers, etc. so going to work then passes for social activity--so I wore fancy clothes and heels at work. 
In February, 3/4 of the way through the adult day treatment program we decided to celebrate Valentines Day with a potluck.  I have an fantastic red dress--Calvin Klein--that is business tailored and looks like it was made for me. Feeling like dressing up might help boost my mood, I dug into my closet, slid the dress off the hangar and slipped the dress over my head...and it got stuck. 
There was no way that dress was going further.  
Calvin Klein Pleated Scoopneck Sheath Dress in Red - Lyst
This is of course, not me--but this is the dress!
Ok I thought, not a problem, I knew I gained a few pounds from Christmas and all this sitting around and the meds..... I knew Amitriptyline (Tryptomer, Elavil, Tryptizol, Laroxyl, Saroten, Sarotex, Lentizol, Endep) made me put on weight so I wasn't too surprised.  I had a similar dress one size up--not quite as flattering, beige in color so  I desperately grabbed that one.  Surely THAT ONE would fit???  Not a chance.  I started to panic and grabbed other dresses in my closet to try them on.  A few of them I had had taken in last year!  A few still fit--those that were rayon or cotton stretchy ones but then I looked pregnant!??!!  How could I have NOT noticed this??
I quickly changed into some stretchy jeans, grabbed a turtleneck, red vest, red scarf and pronounced myself "Valentiney" enough and left for the hospital. I chucked the dresses back in the closet vowing never to open it again.

I finally found a scale at the hospital.  142 lbs. I weighed 146 when I was 9 months pregnant with my first son.....20 lbs. I had put on 20 lbs--and pretty much all around my belly and butt.

bottles,electrocardiograms,healthcare,medications,medicine,Photographs,pills,printouts,tabletsLet me just say---giving depressed people medication that makes them FAT seems contradictory to recovery don't ya think?  Ok so I know the drugs can also make you hungry and I didn't really stop myself from eating some things I shouldn't have --for months-- and I also know the drugs I am on reduce anxiety and therefore slow your metabolism.  But still...CON-TRA-DIC-TORY.
Earlier this month I stood in front of my closet, took a deep breath and opened the door.  I grabbed each and every dress  and moved them to another closet. Next I went out and bought a few things that actually fit and were comfortable.  Thank you Value Village, Salvation Army and Goodwill---and those people who donate things.  
The question remains...have I given up? 
I actually don't mind my size when I am wearing clothes that fit.  My body feels healthy --not weak and susceptible to every cold or flu. (Fun Fact--this is the first year I did not get the flu and also the first year I did not get the flu shot. And I was going to the hospital daily for months --a place where you would think the flu would be running rampant! )  But the practical side of me is screaming --"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU SPENT ON THOSE CLOTHES AND HOW GOOD THEY LOOKED ON YOUR 122lb FRAME??"
So now I have to decide what I want to do about all this.  Chuck the dresses? Storage? Gym?  
I am off the amitriptyline.  So now I figure I have to give it a go.  Back to the gym.  At least give it a shot.

Yesterday I did something I don't EVER do.  I bought a skirt that is too small.  On purpose.  It is my goal skirt.  I will work hard and see what happens.  I gotta try!

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