Skip to main content

Searching for Joy....

Ok so for the past few posts I have been talking about Joy. Looking for Joy. Finding Joy.  Inviting Joy in.  Embracing Joy. All seems a bit rushed don't you think?  I mean really, I hardly KNOW Joy and here I am searching for her, inviting her in, embracing her?  (Yeah, that is the voice of the scared kid in my --not so sure I want to play around in the emotional sandbox.  Sand gets in your eyes, your shorts, it's dirty and smells funny and someone ends up crying--and it is usually me).

Yes, I know Joy is not a person (apologies to all the Joys out there--it's a lovely name) but it is really important to me.  And since I am pretty unfamiliar with Joy, I need to understand what Joy looks like.  Hence.... Joy.

Mirriam Webster Online Dictionary defines Joy as:
a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.
 
Let's start by assuming that to understand Joy, I need to know what I consider well-being, success, good fortune and I must know what I desire. (No wonder this is so hard for me and why Joy so elusive).  This is where an understanding of how I grew up comes into play. 
 
I grew up in a nice house, in a small town, with two parents, a stay home mom, a dad with a good job, a pool in the yard, a couple of vacations a year and lacking for nothing.  My expectation was that I would eventually be in a better place than my parents were. Enter divorce, single mommy, workaholic, depression, financial ruin, etc.  So when I use the yard stick of my childhood to measure my life against, I feel all sorts of things---but mostly what I feel like is a failure.  This has been going on for some time and the harder I worked at being a mom, housekeeper, employee (and doing each one poorly I thought) the more frustrated, overwhelmed and further from Joy I felt (which is why I feel like an extra large failure when I ended up in hospital and couldn't do anything...)
Lately though, I have felt an ever so slight shift in my definitions of success, and I am reconnecting with things that I desire (strangely enough, they are often the same things, I just need to look at them differently).
 
For example:  I love the satisfaction of a clean house and I love to finish a project and the sense of fulfillment it brings.  Since you cannot possibly clean every single part of your house...there is no way I can be successful at a) cleaning my house and b) finishing the project of cleaning my house.  So instead, I have taken to doing one thing, like clean out the pantry.  I put on some of my favorite music and when I am done, I admire my work and celebrate with some mineral water and frozen fruit (ok occasionally a handful of Oreos).
 
With the help of my therapist and wonderful people in the program, I have come to understand that what is flawed with my thinking is just that...my thinking.  Almost 20 weeks out of the hospital --9 weeks after the adult day treatment program and I am just starting to nudge my 46 years of beliefs about well-being, success, good fortune and what I desire.  (This also stresses me out because part of me thinks I should have figured everything out by now and be back at work ruling the world that is my domain...)
 
Thing is, work---is the same.  My spouse and kids are basically--the same.  The dust in my house, the dishes in my dishwasher, the laundry to be done, the dogs to be bathed--same, same, same, same.  The only thing I can chage....is me....which means, with support, poking holes in my 46 year old belief system.  Right now they are very small..the holes I mean.  Teeny, tiny holes.  Sometimes I poke a hole and it closes right up behind me and I gotta poke it again.  Eventually, I am hoping to make some progress.
 
Because somewhere in there....I will find my Joy.
 
(The top picture is my pantry before---the bottom is after--cleaned 5 days ago.  I was discouraged to see there was not all THAT much different.  And frankly, if you looked now, it would look a lot like the top picture...so maybe, it is not all that important in the first place?  Hmmmmm....poke, poke....)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

It's All About the Here and Now

Today is a good day.   I have positioned my laptop on the dining room table in a way so that I can see the bird feeders.  Even through the closed doors I can hear the unique  warble of the yellow finches that have recently begun to frequent my yard.   This morning, cardinals-- the male brilliant in his scarlet coat and black mask -- returned, and as I watched, the male flew back and forth from the sunflower seeds to feed his mate .    Watching the birds gives me great joy and so I am trying to take the time to do this each day.  Were it not for this blog and how it makes me sit down and think, I can't say I would sit still long enough to do this. Taking time for myself is still a foreign concept. It is ironic that I have tried to attract birds to our pet free, quiet yard for years and the first year we have two dogs (one a squirrel/bird chasing terrier who launches hers...

Keeping Afloat in Darkness - When Robin Williams is Gone

A few weeks ago Robin Williams was everywhere you looked. People were desperate for details; to find the one thing that assured them that his situation was so different from theirs that they are safe; that it could never be them. But if you suffer from depression, the suicide of such a brilliant, successful, individual; part of our lives for so many years and responsible for so many laughs; looks like a leak in your boat. A friend asked me, "Ok but no one knows what the future holds.  Could he not see that?" For someone drowning in the dark spiral of depression, there is no future. There is only now. There is only nothing.  The boat is gone.  You are under. It is not about your spouse or your friends or your kids or career or fans or dogs or anything.  When the darkness squeezes it is all about now.  And now is nothing.  It is bleak and empty and so dark, you cannot see a bottom, or edges or surface ---just darkness. "Some...

Emotional Echos - Moments in Time

here are moments in time that define you. They are etched in your memory in a way that if you close your eyes you can see them again; feel them again. They are an emotional echo ---so strong, they leave an imprint on your soul. When I was eleven, my favorite "uncle" died suddenly, in my house, while I was off at the grandparents. He and my "aunt" came to town for a week long visit after moving away one year earlier and my parents decided to throw a grand party and invite all their old friends. My sister and I were sent to the grandparents for the weekend, and I was promised the week after we could come home and I could have "Uncle Bill" all to myself! I learned much later that early Sunday morning, my "aunt" woke up when my uncle accused her of stealing the covers. They both rolled back over and went back to sleep. Between then and 10 AM when she work up again, he had experienced a cardiac event (not his first I am sad to say) i...